


No Fun Club

by HeavenlyMess



Category: Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Frank Iero and the Patience, Gerard Way and the Hormones, LeATHERMØUTH, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Open Relationships, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 32,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26371291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyMess/pseuds/HeavenlyMess
Summary: Gerard needs a job, so he ends up at the No Fun Club where Frank, aka Paco, is the manager. Gerard likes Paco but he's so out of his league
Relationships: Bob Bryar/Frank Iero, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Original Male Character(s), frerard - Relationship
Comments: 151
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

‘You’re thirty, man. You need to start getting your shit together.’

Gerard knew that.

And he was trying.

But it wasn’t that easy. Not for him.

He threw the empty pizza box at the coffee table, and finished the last of his Coke. He looked around, wondering where his life was going. He felt stuck in a big pile of shit that he’d never got out of. Nothing went right.

He had lost his job a couple months ago, he had no friends – he appreciated Ray a fucking lot, and he would like to think he was a friend, but he knew he only tolerated him because they were roommates and Ray was the nicest person on earth. And Ray had friends, people he actually enjoyed being around instead of staying at home with the annoying guy who was staying in his guest room but couldn’t even pay rent.

He was trying to write his own comic, but he knew his chances of ever getting published were very low.

And he tried not to even think about a romantic relationship. He had already given up on that. It was for the best.

‘Can you actually pay your part of the rent this month?’ Ray asked, bringing him back to reality.

‘I’ll try,’ Gerard answered. He had to. Ray had been so nice the past couple months, not asking for any money since he was fired, but he knew that wouldn’t last. And as nice as Ray was, Gerard knew he would get tired eventually.

Now he just needed to get a job.

He had tried everywhere. Not just office jobs or stuff that had to do with his major, but restaurants, comic book shops and even a car repair shop. But he hadn’t heard anything from them yet.

He was starting to lose faith and do the only thing he knew how to do – give up.

‘I’m guess the job search isn’t going well,’ Mikey said. He had to call him to ask for money to pay Ray, and Mikey insisted on taking him for lunch. ‘Have you eaten anything lately?’

‘Two slices of pizza last night.’

‘You can’t be serious!’

‘Ray is being nice enough not to charge me rent for the last two months. I’m not eating the man’s food too.’

‘Are you sure you don’t want to come and work at Barnes and Noble again?’

‘I don’t think Rosy would hire me again.’

‘She’s not that bad.’

‘I know but she still hated my guts since she caught me asleep on the job and I told that kid Twilight sucked ass.’

‘I think I know why you keep getting fired.’ He gave him one of those famous Mikey Way looks. Gerard wondered how his little brother managed to have his shit together better than he did.

He was always better at everything – making friends, keeping a job, knowing what to do with his life, having a love life, making their parents proud.

They stopped at the sub shop, and it felt good to eat something that wasn’t a couple days old for once, Gerard thought.

Mikey complained about their mom and the girl he was seeing. ‘Have you done anything fun? How’s your book going?’

 _Does he not know me? I don’t do fun,_ Gerard thought. ‘Not really. And not great. I’m kinda stuck.’

‘Stuck?’

‘Yeah.’ _Stuck in a hole of never-ending misery. What’s the point of writing a book if you know it will never see the light of day?_ ‘There’s this character I haven’t figured out yet.’

‘Send it to me. Maybe I can help.’

‘Would you?’

‘Of course.’ They soon got back to Gerard’s apartment, and Mikey promised to call if he got something for him.

Gerard fed the cat and decided to sleep for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like he had anything to do anyway. But he wasn’t expecting Mikey to call that soon. ‘Hey –,’ he started. Gerard was still trying to open his eyes and not fall asleep while his brother talked. ‘So, I made a few calls and this friend of mine says they’re hiring at his job.’

‘Yeah?’ Gerard knew that didn’t guarantee anything, though, but he appreciated.

‘Yeah. I told them you’d be there at nine. They really need a bartender.’

Gerard turned to the digital clock on his night table. It was seven fifty-one. He had an hour to look somehow decent and make it. ‘It’s almost eight. I don’t know if I’ll make it, Mikes.’

‘I thought you needed a job.’

The No Fun Club was a bar slash concert venue in Newark.

But it was a Tuesday, so it seemed to be a slow day. Gerard walked in and looked around for any staff members. ‘Excuse me,’ he said in a low voice. He was sure no one heard him, but he was afraid to speak up again.

The girl behind the counter approached him. ‘Hey there, what can I get for you?’ She seemed nice, he thought.

‘Oh, my brother told me to come. He said you guys are hiring.’

‘Oh, yeah – let me get you a manager, okay?’ She started to walk away. ‘Paco! Someone’s looking for you!’ she yelled.

After a couple minutes of no response, she served Gerard a Coke while the waited for the manager. ‘I’m Jamia, by the way.’

‘Gerard.’

‘He should be here, okay? It’s just –’

And just then, he noticed the short guy walking from the corridor. He was trying to pull away from a taller guy who kept pulling him from his shirt and kissing him. ‘Stop it, Oliver! I’m working!’ the short guy said. He had a mustache, and was wearing a sleeveless black shirt, and his arms were covered in tattoos.

Gerard tried his best not to look, but it was hard. _Damn,_ he thought.

‘Over here!’ Jamia called and the short, tattooed guy approached. _So this is Paco. ‘_ Paco, he’s looking for a job.’

‘Oh, hey there!’ Paco held out a hand and Gerard shook it. ‘I’m Frank. But they call me Paco here.’

‘I’m Gerard.’ _Fuck, he was gorgeous,_ he thought, hoping he wasn’t too obvious. ‘My brother told me to come. He said you’re looking for bartenders.’

‘Mikey’s your brother?’

Gerard nodded.

‘Have you worked as bartender?’

‘No.’

‘Well, you can learn.’ They shook hands again. ‘Welcome to the No Fun Club.’


	2. Chapter 2

'Good morning, sunshine!'

Frank missed waking up to his voice and his hands all over him. 'Hey, there.'

'Hey,' Bob said, and kissed Frank. He arrived home from tour night before, and as soon as he texted Frank, he went to pick him up from the airport. They had been fuckbuddies for a while now, which Frank never expected. He didn't even know Bob liked cock. He seemed like the tough guy, all serious. When he started working at the club on his time off from tour, he almost never talked to anyone, and he never laughed or show emotion. But he was always up to play video games with Frank during breaks.

Then one day they were too drunk, and one thing led to the next.

Frank liked that Bob was just experimenting at first, so there were no strings attached or any pressure to get steady. Frank liked his life. He liked to sleep around, he liked being the pretty boy and having everyone go gay for him. He had heard his coworkers gossiping, saying things like he had slept with the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday when they played at the venue, and well – they were right.

When he was younger, he hated to be considered the slut of the group, even though he had sucked a lot of dicks. But now he owned it.

If he was going to be called slut, he might as well have some fun.

'Don't you need to be at work soon?'

Frank checked his watch. 'I have an hour.You wanna suck me off real quick and I'll buy you coffee?'

'You know I'd do it for free, but coffee is nice.'

Frank made it to his grandfather's pharmacy just two minutes after nine, and headed straight to the office to get his lab coat. It read Frank A. Iero, PharmD. It had taken him so long to finish his career, have his own lab coat, just to be like his grandfather, his hero.

Now here he was, standing in an empty pharmacy, barely making any money, forcing him to have a second job as bar manager.

But it was too late to regret it.

'How are you, grandpa?' he asked. He knew his health was decaying, and that he shouldn't be working anymore, but he was stubborn like everyone in the Iero family.

'I've been better. But I'm still alive, and I get hungry, so I have to work.'

Frank just nodded. 'You need a break, though.'

'And who's going to pay the bills, huh?'

'You know I can help.'

'I'm not letting you. You have to pay rent too.'

'My dad can help. I can ask my cousin Vinny to come and help me.'

'Then we'll have to pay him too.' He's right, Frank thought. 'I can do it. I've been doing it all my life, I don't see what's the problem.' Frank knew there was no way to convince him, but it saddened him that the pharmacy wasn't what it used to. His uncle had tried to convince the family to sell it, telling them they'd get more money that way. And he was probably right, but it meant over fifty years of legacy thrown away. They only had a few customers now, mainly older people who'd been going to them all their lives. The odd kid buying condoms or gum. But it was dead most of the time.

'Your nana has been asking for you. She says you never come for dinner anymore.'

Frank just smiled. He knew what that meant. They were still waiting for the day he'd show up with a girl telling them he'd get married. Frank never really came out to his grandparents, though they had always seen him with friends. But he didn't know how to explain to them that day would never come. 'When I have a day off at the bar, I'll visit you.'

'That would make her day.'

He kissed his grandfather's forehead and headed to the back to fill orders.

'There he is!' Jamia said when he finally arrived at the bar. 'You told Gerard to come at six and it's been two hours!'

'I'm sorry,' Frank apologized.

'Who's dick were you sucking?'

'It's nice to see you, too, Jam.' He walked behind the counter, and started getting the registers ready to open. 'I thought you could help him. You've worked here almost as long as me, you know your shit.'

'You could at least call.'

'I'm sorry! I had to take him home!'

'Which one?'

'My grandpa!' Okay, yeah, he also stopped for cigarettes and a blow job from that boy Matt who worked at the store next door. 

'I can finish setting up,' she said. 'Go and see what he needs.'

He found Gerard sitting at one of the booths nearby, filling out paperwork. 'I'm sorry I'm late. I had to do something.'

'It's fine. I've been doing this.'

Frank didn't know why but he kinda liked Gerard's vibe. He seemed so chill and calm. Frank needed some of that.

He helped him finish, and then took him to the office to give him an apron and a nametag. 'You're going to start from zero. From the most simple drinks, and then move on to the rest. You don't need to do any fancy tricks or anything, just serve drinks and ring them up. I assume you've worked at food service or something like that.'

Gerard nodded.

'Well, then – working the register won't be hard. You get your own tip bucket, you keep that. So it's up to you and how good you are with people.' Gerard gave him a shy smile. 'I'd recommend more smiling if you want big tips. Treat them like they're your friends. Flirting doesn't hurt.'

He knew he was going a little fast, but that's what he liked about this job. Definitely more adrenaline involved than at the pharmacy. He was a people person – as if having several fuckbuddies wasn't enough proof of it – and he liked to talk to customers, charm them. It came natural to him.

An ex had told him once that he made everyone fall in love with him so easy. Frank broke up with him soon after.

'Should we move to margaritas now?' he asked Gerard, and taught him how to make one. He was so patient.

Maybe he just loved his job.

He felt he was born to do this. Not serving alcohol per se, more like everything around it. The social aspect of it.

He wasn't sure.

As confident as he seemed, he sometimes didn't know what the fuck he was doing with his life.

***

Gerard paid attention to every single word that came out of his mouth, but to be honest, he couldn't stop looking at his hands.

Paco had such pretty hands.

Covered in tattoos and so manly.

Fuck.

Why was he even thinking about that? He had to stop himself.

By the end of the night, he knew how to use the register, and how to serve shots, and maybe one or two drinks. But he had a long way to go.

At least Frank was patient enough to help him.

Though at some point he disappeared. No one said anything, but he saw him going in the restroom with a blond guy. Definitely not the same Oliver guy he had been kissing the day before. So that was what he did, he thought.

Gerard just kept cleaning the counter, and tried to ignore that weird feeling that always came when he realized the guys he liked were with someone else.

It wasn't like he even had a chance.

Jamia helped him close and put everything away.

He was finishing moping the floors when Paco approached them, holding the blond dude's hand. 'I'm going home,' he told Jamia. 'Can you close?

'Almost done,' she answered and then Gerard saw him leave. He had a crush on Paco.


	3. Chapter 3

‘So – how’s work?’ Mikey asked.

It was Monday night which meant the bar was closed and Gerard had the day off, so he and Mikey were hanging out. He even paid for the pizza this time. ‘Good enough to make pizza money.’

‘I guess that’s good.’

‘I’ll pay you when I get my first paycheck,’ Gerard told him, turning the TV on to play video games.

‘Don’t worry.’ They were quiet for a while, eating and focusing on their game.

But Gerard had been meaning to ask him something since he came in. ‘So you know Paco?’

Mikey paused the game to turn to his brother with a confused look. ‘Who?’

‘Paco – I mean, Frank.’

‘Oh, yeah! Why Paco?’

‘I don’t know that’s how everyone calls him there.’ They went back to playing. The last thing Gerard wanted was his brother knowing he liked him, and he knew Mikey had a sixth sense for those things. ‘How do you know him?’

‘Remember when I was an intern at Eyeball Records? His band was signed with them. And then he was dating this guy who worked there, so all the bands always had shows at the bar, and we hung out there a lot.’

‘Oh.’

‘Why?’

‘Nothing, I just –’ He didn’t know how to say it, but he’d been a little worried Mikey and Frank had – ‘I kinda thought you and him – you know,’ he said, unable to suppress the laughter.

‘Ew, no!! No! Why would you say that?!’

The older Way laughed again. ‘I don’t know! He’s kinda – I just thought – never mind.’

‘Yeah, he’s kind of a whore. He had that fame. But I’m not.’

‘I have proof of the contraire –’ Mikey stopped the game to throw a cushion at him.

‘It was a long time ago, okay? I’ve changed my ways.’

‘Yeah, right.’

Gerard kinda wanted to ask his little brother how did he do it to ask someone out or to even be noticed by others, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood, so he just kept playing. Besides, it wasn’t like he was going to ask Paco out. He was so out of his league, and he would never notice someone like Gerard. So he just pushed the thought aside.

Mikey fell asleep in the couch, holding a can of beer, and Gerard went to his room, though he was unable to sleep, so he drew for hours.

***

After leaving the pharmacy, Frank went home and decided to take a nap, which was interrupted by his phone ringing. ‘Hmm,’ he mumbled when he picked it up, without even checking who it was.

‘Babe, are you busy?’ Oh, Cortez. The kid from the convenience store.

‘I was sleeping, but what do you want?’

‘I just wanted to see if you we could, you know hang out?’

Of course he wanted to hang out. He quickly got off from bed, took a shower and got ready. Then he picked Cortez up and they went to a concert. It was a local band, and it was mostly empty. But it wasn’t like they were there to see the band. They just wanted an excuse to see each other, drink, and make out.

He liked that Cortez was into the same stuff, so they listened to the same bands and read the same books and could talk about anything. And he liked being his first boyfriend, and didn’t care if he had to share him with others, because he liked how Frank made him feel. He was always telling him that.

And while he enjoyed Bob and Oliver fucking the hell out of him, he liked to be the one in charge when he was with Cortez.

They made out in the bathroom stall and Cortez gave him a blowjob, before returning to the concert and kissing in the middle of the pit. And then making out in the alley behind the venue.

He spent the night at Frank’s place, naked and panting in his bed.

He had to go to school the next morning, so Frank woke up an hour earlier to make coffee for him and walked him to the train station, and then to the pharmacy.

That night, it was just him and Gerard bartending, since Jamia had a thing. It was a slow night, though, just the drunk old man who was there every day, and a few other people.

‘So what’s your story, huh?’ Frank asked.

‘Nothing.’ Gerard tried his best not to show he was nervous while talking to him, and he knew he was giving asshole vibes, but maybe it was for the best. He wanted to protect himself from feelings. Paco was too good to be true, and he was always nice to him. And Gerard didn’t know why he was always talking to him. It was just to be nice, he reminded himself before he got too excited. ‘I’m boring.’

‘Don’t lie. There has to be something.’

‘But there’s not. I work, I go home and play video games with Mikey, I read. There’s really nothing interesting.’

Frank didn’t believe that. ‘Okay, what do you like?’

‘D&D, video games, comic books.’

‘So you’re a nerd? That’s cool.’

‘Don’t lie. I bet you were a jock, and made fun of people like me.’

Paco laughed. ‘Me? With my height and being gay as fuck? I was being thrown in lockers!’ Gerard just gave him the look. ‘Besides, none of that matters. We’re grown up.’

‘And I’m still a nerd.’

‘And I’m still short and gay.’ Frank couldn’t help noticing Gerard’s smile when he said that.

He was also surprised by how good he was at talking to people and getting their orders. Throughout the night Gerard noticed guys flirting with Paco, and Paco flirting back. He was sure he got at least ten different phone numbers. On a slow night!

Paco counted the register as Gerard cleaned the floors, singing to the song that was playing over the speakers. Frank liked his voice but he didn’t saying anything.

Soon the tall guy who was kissing him that night he came to apply to the job was there, waiting for Frank, just in time for them to turn off the lights and go through the back door.

‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ Gerard said, swallowing his pride as Paco kissed the tall guy in front of him.

‘Are you sure you don’t need a ride?’ Paco asked.

‘I’m sure. I got a car.’

‘See you then.’ And then they went on their separate ways.


	4. Chapter 4

‘Thanks, have a good night!’ Gerard said to the girl after handing her the beer.

He had never seen the bar so crowded. It was concert night.

He had never heard of the band, but by the looks of it, they were kind of big.

‘Gerard!’ he heard Paco say. ‘Can you please not flirt with every girl you see? You have a line!’ He sounded a little frustrated, but again, it was a busy night, and they were short staffed. Gerard rarely saw him work front of the house, but in a night like this one, he had no choice. He was bartending most of the night, except when security called him about some kind of problem.

After a couple hours Paco’s frustration turned into anger and he was taking it out on everyone. Including customers. ‘You don’t have money, you don’t get booze –,’ he said, almost yelling at a guy, and Jamia had to intervene or he would have punch him too.

‘On the house,’ she said to the guy. ‘Just this one.’ And then took Paco to the back, and started yelling at him. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?! Which one of your boyfriends didn’t text you back?’

He just laughed. ‘You really think it’s about them?’

‘Isn’t it?’

‘No.’

‘Then what is it?’ She stood in front of him with her arms crossed in front of her.

‘I’m just tired. Came here straight from the pharmacy and then taking my grandpa home.’ He let out a sigh, holding his head with both his hands. ‘I just need a break, okay?’

‘Well, not today, honey. Take five, and we need you back there.’

Before Jamia ran back out, he grabbed his cigarettes and went outside. He did need a break. And on top of his two jobs, he had to sort his free time between his three boyfriends and potential flings. He just needed a fucking break from everything.

When he went back inside after two cigarettes, he was a little more relaxed, and went to help Gerard with the line of customers waiting to be helped.

It seemed like it would never end but as the headlining band was finishing their set and everyone was paying more attention to them, Paco, Gerard and Jamia could finally have a second to breathe. ‘Finally,’ Gerard said, wiping the sweat off his face.

Jamia just laughed. ‘Don’t get too excited.’

Like she had warned him, another crowd formed a line right after the show ended. Paco went to check something with one of the security guys, and didn’t come back before closing time. ‘Time to clean,’ Jamia announced, heading to the stage area with a broom. ‘Frank won’t be back to help, so I recommend you hurry up, cause we’ll be here for a while.’

Gerard nodded , already wiping the counters, and taking all the glasses to the back. Then he headed to the restroom. He knew it was going to be a fucking mess in there, so he’d better finish that first.

And maybe he was too focused on what he was doing because he never heard the noises coming from inside. It wasn’t until he opened the door, that he saw two men fucking in the corner. The one doing the fucking had longish blond hair. Not that Gerard stared for too long. But the one pinned against the wall with his legs around the other’s waist looked familiar. Of course. It had to be Paco.

Moaning and panting as the other man thrusted inside him. He hadn’t even seen someone had come in, let alone that it was Gerard.

_Shit._

Now he had to run out of there as past as possible.

‘Everything okay?’ Jamia said when he was back in the main floor. ‘It looks like you’ve just seen a ghost.’

‘No, I –’ He took a deep breathe, trying to erase what he’d seen from his memory. ‘There was someone – you know –’

‘Oh!’ And that was all it took for Jamia to start laughing maniacally. ‘Wait – it was Paco, right?’ Gerard nodded. ‘Of course it was him.’

And as if on cue, Frank and the other guy came walking down the corridor, laughing and talking. Jamia gave him a disappointed look. ‘Frank!’ she yelled. ‘Stopped banging the drummers!’ He flipped her off from the other side of the room, and walked away with said drummer.

Then, she turned to Gerard, who was still blushing, though laughing his head off. ‘Hey – let’s finish cleaning and go hang out at my apartment.’

He didn’t know what to say. He hoped she didn’t get the wrong message, because he was very gay, and he didn’t want to break her heart. But he also knew she didn’t like him like that. No one did. Why was he even considering that as an option, and why did it hurt to think that she only wanted to be a friend when he was gay?

‘Just as friends. Don’t worry,’ she said, noticing how worry he looked. ‘I think we both need to have some time off and just chill.’

‘You’re right.’

They finished as fast as possible, and then, he got in his car and followed her to her apartment. She was really nice, and though they hadn’t talked much, she would always say things to make him laugh or help him when he needed.

It was past two in the morning, and her roommate was asleep, so she told Gerard to be as quiet as possible, and lit her bong. They complained about all the assholes they had to serve that night, and how all the bands sucked big time. ‘But at least I didn’t have to see Paco getting fucked,’ she said, and giggled. Gerard had to fake a laugh because the mental image still triggered him. Yes, he’d seen porn, but it was another thing to see it in real life, and he had never seen – that.

‘Oh no,’ Jamia whispered.

‘What?’

‘You like him.’

‘Who?’ The weed was already getting to his head, and he really didn’t know what she was talking about.

‘Frank.’

He couldn’t even deny it. His laughed gave him in.

‘I knew it!’

‘Fuck! I’m so stupid!’

‘Why? No!’ She sounded genuinely worried.

‘Because I’m me, and he’s – him.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘He’s fucking perfect! And he can literally have anyone he wants, and he’ll never see me like that.’

‘But how do you know? Yes, he’s a slut! But he’s also very caring. And you are attractive, and sweet as fuck!’

‘You only say that because you’re nice.’

‘No, I swear!’

There was a long silence, and Gerard fought the urge to cry. He hadn’t opened up like this to anyone, not even Ray or Mikey. Admitting he liked someone meant admitting there was no hope and explaining why it hurt and why he wouldn’t even try to make a move. It meant telling them he was a fucking virgin at thirty years old.

‘I appreciate it,’ he said. ‘But it’s not the same. ’

‘Why are you so sure?’

‘Because no one likes me like that?’

Jamia just gave him a look.

‘I’ve never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend or anything.’ He bit his lip, trying not to cry. ‘I’m thirty and I’ve never had sex, haven’t even kissed anyone.’

‘Oh.’

‘So yeah, that’s how I know. Because no one is attracted to me. Let alone Frank.’

She wanted to tell him that it meant nothing, but he knew that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. So she just hugged him. ‘I’m sure you’ll find someone.’

He laughed. ‘You know how many times people told me that? And here I am, still single.’

‘They’re blind.’

‘All of them? Nah, I’ve made my peace. It just hurts to like someone and knowing they’ll never like you back.’

She nodded, because she’d been rejected and heartbroken before.

But she had no idea how it felt to feel so hopeless. ‘I know it’s not important,’ he said. ‘Like being with someone. But I still want it, you know? And it hurts that I can’t have it.’ And then he started crying, and Jamia hugged and comforted him, before getting the bottle of wine from the fridge, and sharing it. At least he had a friend now, he thought.


	5. Chapter 5

Frank knew getting fucked by a random would not solve his problems.

But he’d at least forget about it for a while, and maybe he’d have someone to take home. But when he pulled Nate to his car, the drummer stopped him. ‘I can’t – I’m sorry.’

‘But –,’ Frank tried to understand. They were having such a good time, even when Jamia called him a slut in front of him.

The drummer didn’t say anything but showed him his left hand. He had a wedding band.

He was married.

_Fuck._

He was one of those men who couldn’t accept themselves so they got married and had sex with other men on the side. ‘Well, fuck you then,’ Frank said, and got in his car and went home.

All by himself.

Maybe it was for the best.

He needed a night off from everyone.

Fuck everyone for all Frank cared.

He could just call Bob or Oliver if he so wanted but the truth was he just needed some sleep.

He hated being alone, he didn’t remember when was the last time he slept by himself. But maybe he needed time off men.

So he went home, threw his keys on the coffee table. It was times like these when he wished he had a dog but with two jobs, three boyfriends and a grandfather to take care of, it was impossible. He started taking off his clothes as he walked to the bathroom to fill the bathtub. Why not? Reading and smoking in the bathtub. Self-care. Who said he needed someone to take care of him?

When he came out the got himself a beer and thought about calling Jamia to hang out. Maybe do some trivia night or let her paint his nails while he ranted. But she didn’t answer. So it was just him drinking beer after beer until he fell asleep.

***

When his phone started ringing, he thought he had slept in, until it kept ringing and ringing and he realized someone was calling him. ‘Yeah?’

‘Frankie?’ It was his aunt Jo. ‘You’re up?’

 _I’m now,_ he thought. It was just past seven in the morning. ‘Yeah.’

‘Just to let you know your grandfather isn’t feeling well, so you have to open up the store and you can close early.’

‘Okay. Just let me know how he is, please.’

He got up and started to get ready, and headed out. He opened the pharmacy at nine, as usual, with a hangover. It was Sunday and he knew there wouldn’t be many customers, but it was the family legacy.

Over the morning, there were a couple old folks coming in for their prescription. They all knew him since he was a kid running around the pharmacy. ‘It’s nice to see you following your grandfather’s steps,’ one of them said, and Frank smiled.

He liked that too. It was his lifelong dream after all. But why did it feel like it didn’t mean much anymore?

Without his grandfather by his side, it wasn’t the same anymore, and he was worried about him.

The bell above the door rang. ‘Coming!’ he yelled from the back room where he was sorting files. When he got to the counter, he saw a tall bearded man wearing a soccer jersey standing by the register. _Damn, he’s fine,_ Frank thought. His day had just got better. ‘How can I help you?’

The man pushed a bottle of antiseptic and a box of band-aids across the counter without saying anything, and Frank rang him up, dropping the band-aids in the process. Why was he so nervous? He wasn’t usually like this when he was trying to flirt. But the guy was so hot. ‘I’m sorry – I’m –’ Was he blushing?

The guy just laughed.

‘Wait –,’ Frank said, noticing his clumsiness was somehow working. ‘Are you hurt?’

‘Just a knee scrape.’

‘We better get that checked out,’ Frank said with the charming smile that always worked. He motioned his patient to a room adjacent, and told him to sit on the examination bed.

‘Are you even allowed to do this?’ the guy asked, though he did as Frank told him to.

‘Treating a scraped knee?’

Fuck, he was hot when he smiled.

‘So, you play soccer?’ He asked as if that wasn’t obvious while disinfecting the wound.

‘You like soccer?’

‘Let’s say I’m not a big sports fan, but I like to watch soccer players.’

That made the guy laugh. Frank put a band aid on his tan skin and looked up at him. ‘Well, it’s all good now – what was your name again?’

‘Victor.’

‘It was a pleasure, Victor. I’m Frank.’

And just like that he leaned in and kissed him, his hands all over his amazing thighs. And he could feel Victor’s hands on his ass.

They were already all over each other, when Frank remembered the store was still open, so he had to run and put the closed sign on the door and then ran back to the examination room. ‘Where were we?’

The best part of hooking up in the pharmacy was that he had lube and condoms at his disposal, and he also loved that his grandpa hated technology so much he never put a camera on the examination room.

And while Victor pushed inside him, Frank vaguely remembered how the night before he was thinking about taking a break from men. Ha! That didn’t last too long.

Frank just loved dick too much.

He realized that while having Victor’s in his mouth.

‘So – I hope you feel better,’ Frank said putting his lab coat back on while they went back to the front counter.

‘I definitely do.’

‘I could keep an eye on you to see how that knee is going,’ Frank told him and gave him his business card.

Victor grabbed a sharpie and wrote his phone number on a piece of receipt paper. ‘There will definitely more scraped knees in the future.’ And then he left.

Now Frank had to clean the mess they left, but it had been fun.

***

After closing the pharmacy, he was exhausted, and he still had to go to the bar.

But Bob had called, and they were going out on a date.

Frank went home to change his clothes, and meet him there. To his surprise, when he opened the door, Bob was holding a bouquet of roses.

Shit, Frank thought. This seemed serious.

He wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted right after hooking up with the soccer player.

But maybe it was just because he missed him? They hadn’t seen each other in almost a week.

They fucked, and then Bob took him to a fancy restaurant and Frank had an idea where this was going. ‘I wanted to ask you something,’ Bob said. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ ‘I wanted to go steady.’

‘But we’re already boyfriends,’ Frank said. Which was true. Frank didn’t give it a label, but they were pretty much in an open relationship. They went on dates, and slept together, and went to events together.

‘You know what I mean.’

He did. And he did like him a lot, and liked being with him. But he wasn’t sure if he _loved_ him that much to stop seeing everyone else, or if was ready for the next step. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m ready.’

And he just left.

He knew he was an asshole. He knew he could ask for more time to be sure. But he liked his life the way it was, and he didn’t want to give it up just yet.

He made it to the bar in a bad mood, because that’s how he dealt with it. He didn’t cry, he got angry. He yelled at the staff, and told the truck guy to fuck off. Jamia gave him a warning and he went to the back to do inventory. Then he bartended for a bit while Jamia was on her smoke break.

And there was Gerard, doodling in the back of receipts to keep himself entertained, and making fun of customers after they left. Making Frank laugh.

He didn’t realize how bad he needed it.

Did he like Gerard? He was cute, but the last thing he wanted to drag him into his shit, so he tried not to even think about it, and helped the next customer.


	6. Chapter 6

Gerard was really trying to ignore his crush on Paco.

He really was. He knew it would go nowhere, and he’d only get hurt.

But it was almost impossible to ignore it when every night as he came in, Paco would greet him with the fucking biggest and cutest smile, and throughout the night he’d pull faces in an attempt to make him laugh, or would look at him, brows raised and then laugh. How could someone be so fucking attractive?

But Gerard had to remind himself that at the end of the day, he’d leave with the tall guy who worked in the back of the house, or some random guy.

He had to remind himself he would never do that with Paco, and the thought depressed him a little. But he tried his best not to show it.

When he was cleaning that night, he could hear Frank talking on the phone. He was talking to a guy named Victor, and giggling, and he said he couldn’t wait to see him.

It hurt. _He would never notice you anyway,_ Gerard reminded himself and kept mopping the floors. He knew Jamia was looking at him, but he ignored her too. He just wanted to go home and feel sorry for himself for being so stupid and liking a guy who was so out of his league.

After clocking out, he headed out through the back door, and Jamia was smoking with Paco – and a very tall, attractive guy whose hands were all over Paco. ‘Hey, you wanna join?’ Jamia asked, offering a cigarette. Gerard noticed Frank was busy kissing the guy, so he didn’t even consider it. ‘I’m fine. I’m actually really tired, so I’m going home.’

‘Okay. See you tomorrow, then.’

Gerard couldn’t sleep all night, though. He couldn’t stop thinking about what would it feel being the one kissing Frank, and going out on dates with him, and maybe their bodies pressing against each other too close, but he stopped before he got hard.

It hurt more knowing that was the only kind of _sexual experience_ he’d have, and it depressed him more, and that was enough turn off.

He’d end up alone forever, watching everyone else fuck and kiss and be happy with someone else, while he just watched from the sidelines, as if he wasn’t allowed to be part of anything. He was just a spectator.

And he was tired of it.

He was tired of feeling like that.

It hurt to be alone. It wasn’t just mentally. It _physically_ hurt. Like something was pressing hard on his chest and he couldn’t breathe. Like his body ached, longing to be touched but there was no one there. He just wanted someone to hold his hand all night and tell him it was going to be okay, but no one did.

He cried himself to sleep, not sure when he actually dozed off.

He thought he’d feel better by morning, but the anxiety just got worse.

It was going to be one of those days.

***

Gerard’s anxiety was almost under control.

He’d lived with it long enough to know how to hide it in public, and at home he’d focus on video games or comics or sleeping through the day to ignore it.

But there were days when it was just impossible.

And it got so bad to the point it turned into a depressive episode and the suicide thoughts would creep in because what was the point of living a life by himself. When his parents had each other, and Mikey had a different girlfriend every week, and he’d still be alone at the end of the day. When he could barely make friends and the ones he made, had a significant other too. So it was just him, by himself, for the end of time.

And it hurt.

It hurt.

He was so tired of the pain, and that’s all it was.

Why did it matter so much to him? If he knew he couldn’t have it, why couldn’t he just move on without it? There were people who lived their whole lives without a partner and they were perfectly okay.

But he was not one of them.

He was a fucking hopeless romantic. And listening to music, writing stories about lovers who died together after running away, it was impossible not to want something like that too. As tragic as it was.

So he cried all day, didn’t eat anything, and spent an hour in the bathroom, staring at a razor blade, fighting the urge to use it.

He almost considered going to work, but he knew he couldn’t do it. He’d be in a bad mood and probably start crying in front of everyone. And to be honest, seeing Frank wouldn’t help. It wasn’t his fault. He was just too fucking attractive and it was impossible not to notice. Or was it his fault for being nice and getting his hopes up?

In any case, he decided he had no choice. He hated to use his mental health as an excuse to call in sick, but he _was_ sick, he had the right. So he called the bar.

‘No Fun Club, how can we help you?’ Out of everyone, the last person he needed to hear was Paco.

‘It’s me, Gerard.’

‘Oh, what’s up, man?’

‘Nothing, just to let you know that I can’t come to work.’ He paused, not sure how to continue because that’s how Paco always made him feel. ‘I’m not feeling well.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing. Just a cold or something, but I feel weak.’

‘It’s fine, man. Just take care okay?’

‘Okay.’ Why was he so nice?

Gerard stayed in bed all night, watching horror movies. Throughout the night, Jamia texted him to check on him. _are you okay?_

 _Yes, just sick,_ Gerard replied.

_Paco was rude to you or something? Cause I can beat the hell out of him if you need me to._

_Lol no, I wish he was rude to me, though. he’s so fucking nice sometimes it’s hard not to like him more_

_Geez, you really like him_

Gerard sent him the see no evil monkey emoji. _Anyway, I’m just not feeling well._

_Okay, I hope you get better <3 _

He almost called Mikey to tell him, but he knew he’d give him a speech, so decided against it, and just took a nap.

He ended up sleeping through the night, and woke up at nine in the morning the next day, still feeling like shit, but it felt like he was finally reaching the shore and could finally breathe.

He still didn’t feel like doing anything, but he could at least eat something, so he grabbed a donut and coffee, and sat to watch Netflix with Ray.

When he made it to work, Jamia asked him if he was feeling better, and Gerard nodded, because he was.

And then Paco came out from behind, and seeing Gerard there, he almost threw himself at him. ‘How are you?’

‘Better,’ he said, in a monotone voice.

‘Good. I missed you last night.’

‘You don’t have to say that if you don’t mean it,’ Gerard insisted.

‘But I do!’

‘Whatever.’ But he couldn’t help smiling at him. Fuck, he was a lost cause.


	7. Chapter 7

‘Frankie,’ he heard someone call, waking him up.

A woman’s voice, which was strange.

‘You need to go home and sleep,’ she said. _Where was he?_ He opened his eyes slowly, and remember he wasn’t home. It was the second day in a row he’d fallen asleep while taking care of his grandfather at the hospital. He saw his aunt sitting by his bed. ‘C’mon, I’ll take it from here.’

‘It’s fine. I can stay.’

‘You need to rest.’ And Frank wanted to tell her that he was okay, that he didn’t mind staying all night, taking care of him just like his grandfather took care of him when he was a kid. That he’d stay there and make sure he was okay. But nothing came out.

A knot formed on his throat and he knew that if he tried to talk, he’d lose it and then the tears would come. ‘How’s Nana?’ he asked instead.

‘She’s okay,’ Aunt Jo said. ‘She asked about you. Maybe you can visit her, keep her company while he’s here.’

Frank nodded.

He got up, kissed his grandfather’s hand, and started to go, before his aunt called him. ‘You know your uncle wants to close the pharmacy, right?’

Frank nodded. He was more than aware. And he wasn’t ready to lose it.

He felt his life was crumbling down. Between his breakup with Bob, his grandfather being sick and now the pharmacy.

He felt like crying, like punching something.

There were so many emotions inside, and he didn’t know how to let them out anymore.

It was a while since he played in a band or wrote poetry. He didn’t remember when or why he stopped. Probably as a way to ignore his feelings. He thought that feelings only made him vulnerable.

The thing was the more he ignored them, the more feelings he got bottled up, and now he was about to explode.

He felt he had nothing else to hang on to.

‘We’ll close down for a couple days until he gets better, okay?’ Aunt Jo continued, noticing his reaction. ‘You need time off too.’

‘I’m okay,’ he said, as if that would make it true.

‘I’m sure my dad is more than proud of you for continuing the legacy, but it’s time for you to find your own path.’

‘This is my path,’ he said, already crying. He had worked so hard to finish his career, to follow his grandpa’s steps. He couldn’t imagine his life after it. What was the point of him becoming a pharmacist if there was no Iero Pharmacy?

He left, wiping off his tears.

At least until he got to the car. He wouldn’t let anyone see how much it hurt.

***

At home, he cried more and drank himself to sleep.

When he woke up, past noon, he called Victor because he didn’t know how else to deal with what was going on.

So Victor showed up at Frank’s door, and they didn’t say a word and went straight to making out in the couch. The soccer player fucked Frank right there, and then made sandwiches for them. ‘Thanks for coming,’ Frank said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

‘Thanks for inviting me. I thought you forgot about me.’

‘I just – had family stuff.’

‘You wanna talk?’

‘Not really,’ Frank answered, caressing the inside of his thigh. ‘That’s why I called you. If I wanted to talk, I’d have called my therapist.’

‘So that’s what I am to you?’

‘You already knew that.’

 _Fuck._ He just kept ruining it more and more. ‘You know what? I’m not feeling well. I’m so sorry.’

Victor started to put his clothes back on, and grabbing his stuff.

‘I know I’m an asshole,’ Frank said. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drag you into this.’

‘I was actually starting to like you, you know?’

‘I’m sorry –,’ he pulled him closer for a kiss. ‘It’s just bad timing.’

‘You know if you need someone, I can be that person, right?’ As hot as Victor was, he was just that. He had already rejected Bob, the one he was closest to, the one he’d consider maybe one day be in a relationship with. But like he said, the timing wasn’t right.

He didn’t want to drag anyone into his shit.

Once Victor left he drank more, and soon it was time to go to work.

He considered not going, but his only choice was to stay home and be miserable so he left.

‘Are you drunk?’ Jamia asked as soon as he got to the bar.

‘No – I was just crying in the car.’

‘What happened?’

‘I broke up with Bob. My grandpa’s still sick, and my uncle wants to close the pharmacy.’

‘Oh shit!’ She hugged him, knowing he needed it. ‘You know what? If you want to get drunk, it’s on me.’

‘I appreciate it, but I need to work.’

‘No, Frank – you need to rest.’

‘Why does everyone tell me that?! And I’m already short of one job, I can’t lose another!’

‘Fine, but we’re all going drinking after this.’

‘Deal.’

And for the first time in who knows how long, Frank was actually working. He stayed behind the counter the entire time, and let Jamia be in charge of the rest. ‘Is everything okay?’ Gerard couldn’t help asking when they were outside in their smoke break.

‘Yeah – just personal shit.’ He wasn’t ready to open up just yet. Maybe another day. It was too soon, and he’d might end up crying.

‘I’m sorry – for whatever is going on.’

‘Thank you.’ He knew Gerard was genuine as fuck, and he’d appreciate a hug, but he didn’t want to cry.

***

They were almost done closing, when Jamia approached Gerard. ‘Hey, you!’ she called him.

‘Hey.’

‘So – after this we’re going to Frank’s house to drink.’

‘We?’ Gerard asked, somewhat confused.

‘Yeah, like everyone here. You’re invited too.’

‘He invited me?’

‘I’m inviting you. I’m the one organizing this.’

Gerard stayed quiet. He didn’t know if this was just one big plan to get them together now that Jamia knew he liked Paco.

‘C’mon!’ she insisted. ‘You don’t have to drink, but you need to have some fun.’

‘You’re calling me boring?’

‘No! You’re actually pretty funny, and it’s time others hear your jokes, not just me. And you don’t have to stay until the end. I’ll let you leave whenever you want.’

‘Fine.’

He wanted to go change to his apartment, but Jamia told him it was fine. They’d all be in their uniform, and it was just beers. So he just followed Jamia’s car, first stopping at the convenience store for alcohol, and then into a tiny house a few blocks from the bar.

‘I’m not sure this is my kind of place,’ he said as they walked in the house. It was small, but it was minimalist and cozy.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, a party. Anywhere with two or more people.’

‘Just stick with me, okay?’ Jamia told him. And he had no choice.

They drank beer after beer, and then grabbed a bottle of tequila, and went outside where some people were sitting around a bonfire.

Frank was there too, sitting on that tall guy’s lap.

‘Hey, Victor,’ Jamia greeted the guy, and Gerard just waved at him, pretending it didn’t hurt. He finished the bottle all by himself, and in that time, Jamia was already talking to someone else, and he noticed both Frank and his guy Victor had left their seat too.

But Gerard stayed there.

It felt just like in high school. Being invisible again.

Everyone was talking to someone, and even Jamia, who invited him in the first place, had left his boring ass.

He didn’t blame them though.

He knew he wasn’t interesting enough.

He knew everyone would rather be someone else than talking to him. He saw Jamia talking to one of the server guys. Of course. She had already found herself someone.

He couldn’t help laughing.

‘What’s so funny?’ he heard someone ask. Paco.

He was back on his seat, but without the bearded guy under him.

‘Nothing,’ Gerard replied. ‘I’m just drunk.’

‘I wish I was drunk enough.’ He noticed the bottle on Frank’s hand. ’Cheers,’ he said, and chugged the last of the vodka.

They didn’t say anything for a while.

Then Paco turned to him. ‘You should tell her,’ he said, pointing at Jamia. ‘I know you like her.’

Gerard just laughed. _Could he be so stupid?_ he thought. ‘I –’

‘You don’t like girls?’ Paco asked confused, as if it was surprising.

‘It doesn’t really matter who I like,’ Gerard mumbled. ‘Because nobody likes _me_.’

And then it was quiet again, and Frank got up and left. _Great._

Not long after, people started leaving and the rest went back inside before Frank’s neighbors could call the cops. Gerard was still not in the mood to be there, but he was too drunk to drive so he had to wait for Jamia. So he sat and kept drinking.

He couldn’t be next to Paco while his boyfriend or whatever he was, was kissing his neck. He knew he was in his right, but if he stood there, he’d throw up. And yet, he couldn’t stop looking.

Minutes later he heard Melanie, one of the servers, suggesting they’d play Never Have I Ever. _Great, now the stupid games were about to start,_ he thought. Good think he couldn’t even move.

‘Gee, c’mon!’ Jamia called.

But he didn’t want to join. The game was stupid, and even more when he hadn’t done anything fun in his life. He didn’t want them to find out. Not that it wasn’t plain to see.

But Jam was insistent, too insistent in Gerard’s opinion, and she dragged him to his feet, and pulled him to the kitchen where they were playing.

‘You guys couldn’t be more cliché,’ he mumbled and he thought nobody heard but he noticed Frank giving him a look.

‘Everyone knows the rules, right?’ Jamia asked and everyone but Gerard agreed. He did know but he didn’t want to be part of it.

Someone said, ‘Never have I ever had an orgy,’ and then Frank and Victor both drank. Obviously.

Then someone else jumped in. ‘Never have I ever gone fishing,’ and a couple more people drank.

And so on.

_Never have I ever cheated on someone._

_Never have I ever stolen something._

_Never have I ever done coke._

And Gerard didn’t know why but he said ‘Never have I ever had sex.’ And obviously everyone but him drank. Jamia looked at him, not sure why she was doing this, while Frank looked at him with those eyes. Pity. He knew it was pity hiding behind them.

A couple more people said something else, and Gerard was too drunk by now and he didn’t care. ‘Never have I ever kissed someone,’ he said.

Everyone gave him looks.

But none of them hurt as much as Frank’s.

Not that it mattered.

But he still didn’t want Paco to look at him like he was a weirdo.

He started to feel nauseous. ‘I’m gonna be sick,’ Gerard said, and ran outside, short of breath and already having a panic attack in Frank’s front lawn.

He cursed himself over and over. Crying.

Why did he have to say that in front of everyone? Why tell everyone his darkest secret? That he was so fucked up and unattractive no one liked him.

Then he heard steps behind him. It must be Jamia, he thought. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I’ll call a cab and you can stay.’

‘Are you okay?’ It wasn’t her, though. It was Paco. He turned around and saw him standing a couple steps away.

‘Does it look like I’m okay?’ He didn’t answer. ‘I’m sorry for making a scene – I shouldn’t have –’

But he didn’t finish his sentence. Frank’s lips were on his, pressing hard.

_So this was what it was to be kissed?_

It didn’t last long. Frank pulled apart, and they were now staring at each other and gasping.

It took Gerard a minute to realize what was happening, and then his brain felt like it was about to explode.

He couldn’t breathe.

Tears were coming out.

‘Don’t you fucking dare!’ he said. ‘Why did you fucking do that?’

‘I –’

‘No! You had no right to do it! You had no right! I don’t need your pity!’ He was screaming and crying and Paco tried to get close but he wouldn’t let him. ‘I don’t need your pity.’

‘But – it wasn’t out of pity,’ Paco tried to explain. ‘I do like you.’

‘Don’t say that!’

‘Why?! I do!’

‘Stop! Why would you like me?! You’re you! And you have Victor and whoever else you want! You don’t want me!’

‘I do!’ Paco was crying too, but Gerard didn’t care. He didn’t have time to feel bad for him.

‘I’ll go.’

‘You can’t, you’re too drunk. You can stay in the guest room if you want.’

Gerard didn’t say anything. He just looked at him one last time before turning around, and walking to the sidewalk, where he called a cab.


	8. Chapter 8

Gerard woke up to his phone ringing and his head throbbing in pain.

How much alcohol did he have the night before?

At least whatever happened was now a blur, because he was sure he did something embarrassing.

The phone kept ringing and he picked it up just to make it shut up, not even checking who was calling him. ‘Hey,’ he mumbled.

‘What happened last night?’ a female voice said on the other side, with a rather demanding tone. Jamia.

That only added more to the confusion. He tried to remember his head felt like it was about to explode, and nothing came up. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Don’t play dumb with me! What happened with Paco? You went outside, then he went to check on you, and neither of you came back.’

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?!

He remembered feeling sick and going outside for air –

‘Victor called me,’ Jamia continued. ‘He told me Frank never came home.’

‘Well, I don’t know what you’re insinuating, Jam, but he’s not here and we didn’t sleep together.’

Gerard sure hoped they didn’t because it would suck not remembering.

He went through the whole night again. He was drunk, really drunk. Then they started playing Never Have I Ever – and oh shit, he did say things he shouldn’t have – and Paco was with Victor. And then he went outside – and Frank went to check on him. And –

Oh no –

He – he kissed him.

Frank kissed him.

He remembered now. How warm his lips were. How his body felt like electricity when he was near him. Fuck.

No.

He didn’t have the right to kiss him.

Gerard knew it was just out of pity. Paco was just too nice and felt bad for him for not having kissed anyone before. But Gerard didn’t want his first kiss to be a pity kiss.

_But it felt so good._

God, why did he have to like Paco out of everyone?

‘Gerard, are you there?’

He had already forgotten he was still on the phone. ‘Yes. I just – I think I’m sick.’

He wasn’t lying. He ran to the bathroom and threw up. Yayy, anxiety!

***

‘Honey, you slept here again?’

Frank heard his Aunt Jo said.

When he opened his eyes, and saw his grandfather lying on the hospital bed, still unconscious. He came straight here after what happened with Gerard. He didn’t know what else to do.

He knew he couldn’t face Victor. He didn’t want to, to be honest.

He just needed a moment.

Everything was chaos lately. With his grandfather, and the pharmacy, and not knowing what to do now. Frank knew it wasn’t fair to Gerard, the last thing he wanted was to drag him into his mess.

But Gerard was the only thing that made his day a little better, and he truly cared about him. A lot. He liked him since he started working at the bar. But he knew he wasn’t the kind of guy who slept around. He knew he couldn’t give him what he deserved.

But it hurt to see him crying. He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true. That someone _did_ like him, he was just too stupid and unfit for relationships. He wanted to tell him that everyone else had been too blind not to see his beauty and his kindness. That he was sorry he had to be alone for so long. He wanted to tell him that he liked him.

‘Frankie – how can you sleep in that chair?’ she asked again, bringing him back to reality.

‘It’s fine.’ He had other things to think about.

‘Is everything okay?’

He just gave her a look. Wasn’t it obvious? He was in tears, and the person he cared about the most was unconscious and possibly not waking up again. And then, he just broke down.

He sobbed and his aunt tried to comfort him, but he couldn’t stop.

‘Can I just stay here today? I want to be with him.’

Aunt Jo nodded. ‘I’ll go get you a coffee then.’

When she left, he lay in bed with his grandfather, holding his hand, wishing he was conscious and that he could have the chance to come out to him.

***

Fortunately for Gerard, the bar was closed that night, so he didn’t have to think about seeing Paco. Though he was already thinking about quitting.

He spent most of the day crying, trying not to think about Frank. Though now that he knew what happened, it was impossible not to think about him and his lips.

He almost forgot Mikey was coming for pizza night. When he asked him why he looked so miserable he just told him he had too much to drink, and Mikey have him the Mikeyway look, because he knew there was something else, but he didn’t ask. But they played video games all night and that helped him to forget about everything for a little bit.

The next morning, Jamia had already texted him by the time he woke up. _Don’t even think about calling in sick for work. Paco already did. His grandpa’s at the hospital_

Of course. At least he didn’t have to see him. _I wasn’t._ He wondered if that excuse about Frank’s grandpa was real.

That night Jamia tried to get him to spill the tea about the party. ‘He just asked me if I was okay, and then I left, okay?’ he told her, hoping she’d believe him.

‘Ugh, fine.’

And she didn’t ask further.

The next day, Paco showed up, looking like he was dead, and Gerard avoided him at all costs. Though it seemed Frank was doing the same, and the one moment they were working together it was awkward as hell, and Frank went back to his office.

It went on like that for the next couple days, and Gerard couldn’t help noticing Frank left alone every night. Neither Oliver or Victor were there with him when he left.

Then, on Friday, Gerard was the last one to leave, as usual. Except when he was locking the door, he heard his name being called. And Frank was behind him in the alley.

‘Can we talk?’ he asked, tears in his eyes, and his hand holding a cigarette while shaking.

It wasn’t like Gerard had a choice. The whole in his stomach was growing bigger and bigger, but Frank was clearly dealing with some shit. He had to at least give him a chance to say something. So he nodded.

‘I’m sorry I kissed you like that, okay?’ he said, getting closer. ‘I know why you’re angry at me. And I’m sorry.’

Gerard nodded. At least he was aware. _Fuck,_ why was it so hard to be angry at him?

‘But it wasn’t out of pity. I didn’t just kiss you because of what you said. I’d been thinking about it for a while, but I just ruin things, okay?’ He was starting to sob now. ‘I don’t want to ruin you. But I don’t know why I saw you there, and I just felt like it.’

Gerard didn’t know what to think. It was all too much.

Frank continued. ‘You told me it doesn’t matter who you like because nobody likes you like that. And that’s just not true. I do like you. Not only you’re fucking cute, but you’re funny and smart, and you made me feel things, and that scared me.’

Gerard was crying now. That couldn’t be true. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘Why not? I like you. I like you a lot, and I’m sorry that I had to kiss you to confirm it. And lately everything’s going to shit and I feel like giving up every day, but somehow you still make me laugh.’

He took a step forward, now even closer to Gerard, and before he could say anything, Frank kissed him again. Soft and slow. Cupping the side of his face with the hand that wasn’t holding a cigarette.

And this time, Gerard let him. And he let himself feel it, taste him.

When they broke apart, Frank looked up at him and smiled. Everything about it felt new and good. ‘Just – don’t say that, okay?’ he said. ‘Don’t say that nobody likes you, because I do.’

‘I like you too,’ Gerard admitted.

‘You do?’ And then they were kissing again.


	9. Chapter 9

Butterflies invaded Frank’s stomach.

He hadn’t felt like this in quite a while, and he couldn’t understand why it took him so long to kiss Gerard.

He knew it wouldn’t be like his usual relationships based on sex. But maybe he was looking for something more. He still had no idea. He just knew he liked Gerard and he enjoyed being with him, and he knew that he had to forget about Victor and Oliver and Cortez, because Gerard deserved all his attention.

And to be honest, he didn’t mind that.

Gerard deserved more than slutty Paco.

And probably he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet, but kissing him made him forget about how shitty his life was for a moment, and he needed more of that.

On his way to the hospital, he smiled again, remembering when Gerard said he liked him too.

Aunt Jo was there when he walked in his grandfather’s room, and just by her frown, Frank knew there was something wrong. ‘He doesn’t have a lot of time left,’ she said.

And nothing else mattered.

His world crumbled in a second.

‘Can I –?’ Frank asked, and Aunt Jo nodded, leaving him alone with her dad.

‘Hey, Pop,’ he said between sobs, taking his hand and kneeling by his bed. ‘Please don’t leave me, okay? You have to wake up – because I – I have something very important to tell you.’ He knew he wasn’t listening, but he wanted to believe a part of him was still around. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I was afraid you’d throw me away or wouldn’t want to see me anymore, and that hurt more than anything. But now I know I’m too stupid because you were never like that.’ He caressed the back of his hand with his thumb, wishing he was still a little kid and holding his hand to go to the park. ‘And I’m sorry I never told you, and that I never brought a girl home. But that’s the thing. I like boys. Always have. And I’m sorry I’m a disappointment,’ he started sobbing again, having a breakdown.

He didn’t even notice his aunt coming in and putting her arms around him to comfort him. ‘I just want him to wake up. Please, wake up!’ he cried, and Aunt Jo hugged him until he was calmer.

***

Gerard woke up with the biggest smile on his face.

He could still feel Frank’s lips in his. His hand on his hip. He tasted like cigarette and stale beer, but he was also sweet. God, he wanted to kiss him again.

He remembered they kissed for the longest time. Frank said he had to practice more and that he’d teach him. Then Frank said he had to go.

He wanted to believe he wasn’t going to see one of his boyfriends. He wanted to trust him, but it wasn’t like they were anything. He just kissed him.

He kissed someone!

He had a guy’s tongue in his mouth!

He kissed Frank!

He wanted to call Jamia and Mikey and tell them, but he also wanted to keep it himself for a while. His little secret. It wasn’t like they were going to believe him.

But more than anything, he wanted to call Frank and go see him and kiss him again.

***

Frank didn’t want to leave his grandfather’s side, crying and kicking. His aunt had to call Frank’s dad to come get him, and he drove him to his Nana’s house, where the whole family was waiting for news.

All his uncles, aunts and cousins, sitting in silence.

 _Jeez,_ Frank thought. It looked like a funeral and the dude wasn’t dead yet. It made him feel worse.

He sat in his grandfather’s recliner, as his dad made him tea. He knew they were all looking at him. He’d always been his grandparents’ favorite, especially after living with them for a year or two while his parents fought and got divorced, and then went back every other weekend. Especially when Frank was the only one who wanted to follow his steps.

‘Why don’t you take a nap?’ his dad said, handing him a cup of tea.

‘I’m okay.’

‘Son – you need to rest.’

‘No. I’m fine.’

So he stayed there, dozing off every now and then, but he could hear his uncle talking about selling the pharmacy. That got his attention.

He got up and looked at him, then yelled, ‘He’s not dead yet! Can’t you fucking wait to make plans until later?’

And then he was off.

Fuck, he forgot his car was back at the hospital.

It wasn’t like he could drive, though. He was shaking and crying too much to be able to drive. He went through an entire pack of cigarettes before his dad walked out and found him. ‘Can you give me a ride back to the hospital, please?’ he asked. ‘I need to get my car to go to work.’

‘You can’t work like this, son.’

‘I need to keep my mind off, or I’ll go nuts.’

‘Fine. But call me if you don’t feel well.’

Frank nodded. ‘You call me if –’ But he couldn’t finish his sentence.

By the time they made it to the hospital parking lot, Frank was calmer and his dad waited for him to drive away to leave.

Frank blasted the Misfits and Black Flag, singing to the top of his lungs to keep his mind off, but when he got to the bar, he was still crying. ‘Frank, you can’t work like this,’ Jamia said.

‘Why does everyone say that? I’m okay.’

‘I can’t let you. And I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but here,’ she said, handing him a bottle of vodka. ‘Drink it. I’ll take you home when you do.’ Then she hugged him tight, and he let out all the tears he had left.

He looked for Gerard but it seemed he wasn’t there yet.

So he sat at the bar and drank shot after shot, wanting to be numb and not exist anymore. Just then, his phone rang.

It was his dad.

He knew it. He didn’t need to pick up to know why he was calling. But he did. ‘Frankie, your –’ But Frank didn’t hear the rest because he was sobbing harder now, and Jamia had to comfort him, hold him or he’d break in pieces.

Gerard walked in just then. When Frank saw him, his eyes went big and he ran to him, sobbing in his neck. ‘My grandpa,’ he said, and Gerard knew what he meant.

He knew there was nothing that could help. He’d been there before when his grandmother died. So he just let him cry and hugged him, while Jamia looked at them confused, not sure why Frank was acting like that with Gerard.

They stayed like that for a while, before Jamia told him to take him home.

He helped him to his car, opening the passenger door for him, and once inside he turned to him. ‘I know nothing I tell you will help with how you feel inside,’ he said. ‘I know it hurts a lot. But I’m here, so if you want to cry on my shoulder or drink until you’re numb or whatever, I’m here.’

‘Thank you.’

Gerard kissed him, more like a peck, and let him cry on his shoulder.

‘I don’t wanna go home,’ Frank said.

‘You wanna stay over in my place?’ He didn’t answer, but that was enough.

The drive there was quiet, and Frank reached for his hand for comfort, and didn’t stop crying.

When they made it to Gerard’s apartment, he took him to his room. He was nervous, if he was honest. Sleeping in the same bed with him, so soon. Though he knew nothing would happen. He had never been in the same bed with another guy. He went through his drawers and found some pajama pants and handed them to him. ‘Here. I’ll go make you a tea.’

‘No, don’t leave me, please.’ And he was crying again.

Gerard didn’t know what to do, so he just hugged him, running his hand up and down his back and let him cry.

They lay in bed, still wearing their work shirt and jeans, and Gerard wrapped his arm around him, and comforted him, and soon, Frank was sound asleep in his arms.

Gerard kissed his forehead, not sure how he ended up with a boy in his bed, though it wasn’t exactly the way he always dreamed it’d be. He didn’t know what to do, and fell asleep not long after.


	10. Chapter 10

Frank woke up to his phone ringing in his pocket.

He wouldn’t have bothered to get it if it wasn’t because it was annoying as hell, and then answered it without even thinking about it. ‘Yeah?’ he mumbled, his eyes still closed.

‘Where are you, Frankie?’ It was his dad. He attempted to open his eyes, his brain trying to register where he was.

He didn’t recognize the furniture or the movie posters on the wall. He had too much to drink, and being him, chances were, he was in a random guy’s room. But then he saw Gerard cuddled up to his right. ‘I’m at a friend’s.’

And then he remembered everything else. His grandfather was gone.

Fuck.

‘Frank, I know it’s a hard time for you, but this isn’t the time for –’

‘For what, dad? I just need some time, okay?’

‘Fine. Take care.’

Once Frank hung up, he noticed Gerard stirring next to him, starting to wake up and looking at him with a sad smile. ‘What time is it?’ he mumbled.

Frank check his phone. ‘Just past midnight.’ Gerard cuddled closer and open his eyes, and looked at him. ‘Hi,’ Frank said.

‘Hi.’

‘Thanks for – staying with me.’

‘Of course,’ Gerard replied.

They looked at each other for a minute or two, not saying anything. Then Frank just leaned in and kissed him. It was quick and tender, yet it said all the things Frank couldn’t say with words, and left them both smiling despite the heaviness of the moment. ‘I just had to.’

Frank’s face was puffy from all the crying, and his eyes were sad. Gerard wished he could do something to make him feel better. ‘Are you –’ he tried to ask, but was interrupted by another kiss, this time longer, and Frank holding his head with both hands. And Gerard couldn’t complain.

‘Now I’m okay,’ Frank said and then kept kissing him.

‘Frank –’

‘No – I don’t really want to talk about it.’

‘You don’t have to.’

Frank knew what he meant. And he was right. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘No. Don’t apologize.’ Gerard pulled him closer, their foreheads against each other. ‘I want to be there for you. But I’m not –’

‘I know.’ Frank was so used to avoiding talking about feeling and ignoring them by making out or fucking, that he just thought it was easier. But he knew Gerard deserved more than that. ‘He would have loved you, you know?’

The way he said that, his voice breaking, just made Gerard’s stomach turn.

‘He’d think that you’re too smart for me and that I don’t deserve you. He’d probably tell you that you’re wasting your time working at the bar being so talented and all.’

‘I’m sure I’d like him too.’

‘It sucks that you couldn’t meet him.’ Gerard nodded. By now he knew how important he was for Frank. ‘And the worst part is that I never told him. I was such a coward I never came out to him.’

‘You’re not a coward. That’s not an easy thing to do.’ He caressed Frank’s face, and stroked his hair.

‘He and my nana wanted me to bring a girl to dinner and I just couldn’t tell them the truth. And then again, I was never in a relationship meaningful enough to introduce him to the family. But I would have liked him to meet you.’

Gerard just listened.

Frank told him about growing up with his grandparents when his parents were fighting and his mom couldn’t take care of him. About wanting to be like his grandfather all his life, and working with him. ‘I’m gonna miss him so much,’ he said sobbing.

‘I know.’

He held him while he cried, and then grabbed a tub of ice cream for them to share while they watched a movie. Frank fell asleep halfway through it, leaning his head against Gerard’s shoulder.

***

The next morning, Gerard woke up early, and made coffee for everyone.

He noticed he had a million texts from Jamia, mostly asking about Frank, but as he was about to answer, he heard someone walk in the kitchen and dropped his phone. _Fuck._

It was only Ray, though.

‘You had someone over last night?’ he asked.

‘It’s not like that – he’s going through some shit, okay?’

‘Whatever you say.’ And then he just left for work.

As if on cue, Frank walked in the kitchen just moments later, and found Gerard leaning on the counter, drinking his coffee. ‘Good morning,’ he said, and pecked his cheek. ‘Thanks for letting me crash.’

‘Of course. You were really tired.’

‘Sleeping on hospital chairs for weeks isn’t fun.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be. I’ll be getting enough pity over the next few weeks to last me a lifetime.’

‘But I don’t want you to be sad.’ Frank wrapped his arms around him, his face pressed against his neck. Gerard was still getting used to having him around, and all over him all the time. Was this what it was like to have a boyfriend? They weren’t even _boyfriends_! Were they? He didn’t even know how that worked.

‘Why are you so nice to me?’ Frank asked. ‘I’m an asshole.’

‘Why do you say that? You’re not!’

‘You don’t have to lie. I still like you.’

‘But you were always so nice to me, since I started working at No Fun Club. And yes, I liked you since then, but I thought you’d never see me that way.’

Frank laughed. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

‘Because I’m me?’

‘And you’re absolutely perfect!’ He cupped the side of his face with his hand, mesmerized by his beauty.

‘You don’t have to lie.’

‘I’m not lying. You really have no idea, don’t you? The things you caused, how you turned me into this emotional mess, and that I’d do anything I can to be near you.’ He kissed his lips again. ‘You’re like – a light. It’s like I’ve lived all my life in the dark, and then you appeared, and boom –’ he says, moving his hands to hint an explosion. ‘Let there be light.’

Gerard looks at him, a little confused. He doesn’t know if he should believe him. How can he be the light of someone’s life? That’s just – not possible. He knows Frank’s just being nice. He opened his mouth to say something but Frank stopped him with a kiss. ‘Don’t even try to say what I think you’re gonna say.’

They stayed like that for a little longer. Hugging in the middle of the kitchen, Frank not letting go. ‘I don’t wanna leave, but I’m sure you have things to do.’

‘I don’t.’ He kissed Frank’s forehead. ‘And you can stay as long as you want.’

‘Are you sure? I don’t want to hurry things up, or make it uncomfortable for you. I wanna take things seriously with you – I mean, if you want –’

Gerard didn’t know how to react.

Paco, the guy who had at least three different boyfriends and hooked up with drummers in public restrooms, wanted to be with Gerard, in an actual relationship?

‘I –’

Frank interrupted. ‘I still have a lot of shit going on, and I’m sorry I’m not the person you deserve. And maybe I need to work on that before we –’ He paused, looking up at Gerard. ‘Sorry – I didn’t even ask you if you wanted to –’

Gerard kissed him before he could finish his sentence. ‘I do.’

‘Would you wait for me to get my shit together?’ he asked, his forehead leaning against Gerard’s. ‘I don’t know how long that’s going to take. Especially now – but I’m serious.’

‘I’ll wait for you. But I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know how – this – works, but I want to be there for you while you sort things out. Even if it’s just as friends.’

‘I don’t just want to be a friend with you. And I’m not looking for a fuck buddy, if that’s what you think. I know what I am, and I don’t want that for you. You deserve so much more.’

Gerard smiled. The fact he thought he deserved more warmed his heart.

Frank continued. ‘And I definitely want you there. I’m gonna need more of those kisses, and you’re getting a lot better.’

‘I learned from the best.’

‘Wait – how do you know I’m the best?’

‘You’re the only want I want to kiss, anyway.’

Frank giggled. ‘Well, that’s funny, because you’re the only one I want to kiss from now on.’ He pushed Gerard back to the counter, his hands on his hips and kissed the hell out of him.

At some point, they pulled apart, and Frank convinced him to go outside to eat something, and went to a breakfast spot around the corner. ‘So is this like our first date?’ Frank asked, taking a bite from his pancakes. Gerard’s face went red, causing Frank to laugh. ‘Okay, let’s take things slow. I feel like we don’t know each other a lot. I know you like to draw and you are funny as hell, but that’s about it.’

‘I’m not funny.’

‘Okay, but you are. And that’s not the point. Tell me more about you.’

‘Well, I’m also a writer, I hate pickles and love David Bowie.’

‘You’re a writer?’ Frank asked surprised. ‘What do you write?’

‘Mainly comic books. Or at least ideas for comic books.’

‘Are you shitting with me? That’s so cool!’

‘I’m not cool!’

‘Stop saying that! Obviously you don’t think you’re cool, that would make you conceited and a pain in the ass, but I do think you’re cool. And to be honest, I’m lucky I even got a shot with you.’

Gerard laughed. ‘As if there’s anyone else!’

‘But you’re so out of my league, dude!’

‘Stop it! You’re the one who’s out of my league!’ Gerard replied, throwing a used napkin at him. ‘Now you, tell me something about you.’

‘Okay – I’m vegetarian, I collect records, and I’m a pharmacist without a job.’

‘Wait – really?’ Gerard asked, surprised.

‘What?’

‘You’re a pharmacist? Like with a degree and all?’ Frank nodded. ‘I just would have never imagined that.’

‘I know. Most people say that.’ He paused. ‘My grandfather was a pharmacist.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. He had a pharmacy for like fifty years, and I wanted to be like him all my life. And honestly, I liked it. But business wasn’t the same, and about a week or two ago, my family decided to close it down.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I guess I knew it would happen. I just don’t know what to do now.’

‘I get you.’

When they finished, Frank took him to see the now empty store. ‘They’re quick,’ he said. The Iero Pharmacy sign was gone, and all the lights were out. ‘It’s fucking sad.’ Gerard reached for his hand and squeezed it. Frank just looked up and smiled at him. ‘Let’s go.’

Gerard drove him home, and they kissed again. ‘Thanks again,’ Frank said.

‘No problem. You know I’m here for you.’

‘I do. But I’ll let you go to work. I’ll probably call Jamia and tell her I’m not feeling well.’

‘I can stay with you if you want.’

‘That’s a tempting offer, but she’s gonna need the extra help.’ Gerard nodded. ‘Besides, I have to call my dad too.’

‘Call me if you need anything.’

‘I will.’

Gerard leaned in to kiss him again, and Frank sighed as they pulled apart. ‘Fuck, you’re making it so hard to let you go.’

Yet, he got off the car and waved him goodbye as he drove away.

His house was too quiet, and it felt weird after a couple days being away. And he knew he could start crying at any minute, so instead he got his phone and called Jamia. As soon as she answered, he said. ‘So – I kissed Gerard.’

He could swear she gasped. ‘I knew it!’

‘I really, really like him.’


	11. Chapter 11

Frank didn’t even remember falling asleep on the couch, but he woke up to his front door being opened, and his dad yelling at him.

‘Seriously, Frank?’ he heard.

‘What?’ he mumbled, attempting to sit up, still not sure what was going on. ‘What are you doing here?’ He regretted giving his dad a copy of his key now.

‘You weren’t answering your phone, and I started to worry.’

‘I just fell asleep.’

‘Oh, really?’ his dad asked, pointing to the two empty bottles of vodka by the corner.

‘Oh, yeah. That explains the headache.’

His dad picked up the bottles and started to clean everything. ‘God, Frank, this place is a mess!’

‘I haven’t really been home in over a week, and right now I’m not exactly in the mood to do anything.’

He heard his dad’s voice coming from the kitchen. ‘Where have you been exactly?’

‘At the hospital. Anywhere else.’

‘You’re staying with me tonight!’

‘I’m okay, dad!’

But then his dad was standing in front of him, looking at him. He couldn’t hide anything from him. ‘Are you okay?’ Frank, Sr. asked. ‘Because I’ve been through this before with your mom, and I’m not liking where this is going.’

Frank nodded.

‘It’s okay to admit you’re not doing well. And I know this is hard for you more than anybody. I’ll miss him, too.’

And that was all Frank needed to lose it. He just started sobbing loud on his dad’s shoulder. He cried until he couldn’t breathe anymore, and his dad comforted him just like when he was a kid and he had nightmares.

He had cried more in the past two days than he’d done in years, and he was tired.

And he was tired of pretending. Pretending to be okay, and hiding who he was. ‘Dad,’ he said out of nowhere, avoiding his father’s eyes, his voice breaking. ‘There’s something I need to tell you –’ He paused, still scared as fuck. ‘I’m gay.’

There was no response, and Frank was afraid to look at his dad and see the disappointment in his face. But after a while, he felt his arm around his shoulders. ‘I know, kid. But thanks for telling me.’

Frank just smiled, still sobbing.

‘You think I don’t notice?’

‘I’m sorry I never told you. I thought you would –’

His dad just hugged him.

‘And I never told him, and I know he would have liked Ger –’ he stopped himself as soon as he realized.

‘Oh – so there’s someone?’

Frank smiled. _There’s always someone,_ he thought. But Gerard was different. He just nodded. ‘We’re just friends now – but I like him.’

‘I’m happy to hear that.’

***

As soon as Gerard walked in the building, he saw Jamia shooting him a look.

He knew she’d ask about the day before. And he wasn’t exactly the best liar.

‘How is he?’ she asked, just like he expected, as he put on his apron, and got his station ready.

He shrugged. ‘You know – he’s having a hard time.’

Jamia nodded, followed by a long silence. ‘He told me.’

Gerard turned, his face a bright shade of red. ‘What –’

‘That you guys kissed.’

His mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. There was no point denying it, not when his face said it all. So he just gave up, and smiled.

Jamia couldn’t help but yell and hug her friend, spinning him around. ‘I’m so happy! I told you!’

Gerard laughed. ‘I still can’t believe it. Like, I’m sure I’m going to wake up from a dream any minute.’

‘Okay – I’m not supposed to tell you this, but he did mention he likes you. A lot.’

That made Gerard blush, hiding his face with both his hands. ‘Stop it!’

‘I’m not lying.’

‘He did say it last night.’

‘So – tell me more.’

He told her he pretty much spent the night comforting Frank while he cried. ‘It’s just weird. I don’t want to get excited and be all happy. I mean, his grandfather died. He was clearly important to Frank.’

‘I know.’

‘I just want to be there for him. Even if it’s just as friends.’

‘But he clearly likes you more than that.’

‘Yeah, but he’s still Paco – and I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m just scared that’ll make it easier for him to – you know, take advantage –’

Jamia reached for his hand. ‘But he’s not like that. I’ve known him forever. And yes, he’s a whore, but he’s always honest with everyone. If he’s telling you he wants to be with you and no one else, that’s what he wants.’

‘I know.’ Yet something inside him told him he shouldn’t get excited.

Soon, the bar was open, and people started coming in. It was Sunday, so it was slow. Yet, it kept his mind off Frank and his lips for a moment.

By time he was done closing, he had managed not to check his phone, otherwise he’d go running to Frank. But as if on cue, his phone rang while he turned off the lights. ‘Hey,’ Frank’s voice said on the other side.

That was enough to make him smile. ‘Hey.’ He locked the door, and headed to his car, almost floating. ‘You’re feeling better?’

‘Not really. My dad came to check on me.’ He paused. ‘I was thinking, you want to come over and keep me some company?’

Gerard didn’t need to think it twice. He stopped at the convenience store for ice cream, when he made it to Frank’s house, he ran to him and kissed him. Gerard could taste the vodka on his tongue, and it was good, but it worried him.

They made out on the couch, Frank on top of him, hungry for his lips.

When he felt his finger slipping under his shirt, Gerard had to stop him, almost shaking in terror. ‘I’m not ready,’ he said. Not like this, not so soon. He knew the moment that happened, he’d give in completely to Frank, and he still felt like he could break his heart at any moment.

‘Okay,’ Frank replied, and kept his hand _over_ his shirt.

Frank put on a movie while Gerard served the ice cream, and they watched a cheesy comedy with no plot, though none of them was really laughing. Frank didn’t even finish his ice cream, and cuddled next to Gerard, falling asleep within minutes.

It was going to take a while for him to recover from this, Gerard thought.

He just hoped he’d let him help a little, because he was falling more and more for him.


	12. Chapter 12

‘Are you sure you’re ready?’ Gerard asked when he got to No Fun Club and found Frank smoking outside.

He blew out smoke from one side of his mouth, and then answered, ‘Not really. But my other choice is to stay home and cry and drink until I pass out, and I’m tired of that.’

Gerard didn’t say anything, and just hugged Paco, before they both threw away the last of their cigarettes, and walked in. Jamia seemed to have arrived first, and she was already setting everything up, while the truck guys were unloading. 

When she finally heard the door closing, and the guys’ voices, she went running to Frank. ‘You’re back!’ she said, hugging him.

‘Barely,’ he said with a fake smile. He had bags under his eyes, and his scruff and mustache were growing into a beard.

‘I told you, you could take as long as you needed.’

‘I know. But being home by myself was too pathetic. And I missed you.’

‘We missed you, too.’

Frank still felt too anxious to be working as bartender, and he didn’t have the brain to do any important tasks, so he helped with the truck and restock, then helped at the kitchen for a while. ‘How is he doing?’ Jamia asked when it was just Gerard and him.

‘Not good. I stayed the night with him, and he was drinking.’ He looked around to make sure Frank, or anyone else, wasn’t there. ‘I don’t know if he’s like that usually, or if that’s what it’s like having a boyfriend, but he just needs attention constantly, and I wish I could give it to him, but I’m just afraid of what he’ll do when no one is there. Maybe that’s why he had so many boyfriends?’

Jamia gave him a look. ‘You might have a point. And yes, he’s like that usually. But the kind of attention he needs now is different, and I know it’s too much for you.’

Gerard nodded.

‘It’ll take time, but he’ll get better. And I know having you can help him a lot, but it’s not fair for you to have to deal with this.’

‘I know.’

‘I’ll talk to him.’

‘Thank you.’

***

In the meantime, Frank was outside, having a smoke break.

He had lost count of how many cigarettes he had had, or how many beers he drank before work, but who cared anymore. Not him.

He knew he had promised Gerard and his dad to get better, but he felt like he couldn’t. Everything was going to shit.

And to make matters worse, his phone started ringing. It was Victor.

Fuck, he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him, or anyone, but he figured it was easier now than later. ‘Hey,’ he said, in a bitter tone, though he knew it wasn’t Victor’s fault.

‘Hey – I’ve been calling you.’

He knew. Of course he’d seen all the missing calls. But he was pretending he didn’t exist and hoping he’d get the message. But clearly he didn’t. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just – there’s been some shit going on. My grandfather died.’

‘Oh.’ There was a moment of silence. Frank knew it would work. ‘Are you doing well?’

‘Not really. I need some time. Just spending more time with my dad and my family.’

‘I get it. Just let me know if you need anything, okay? You know I’m here.’

‘I appreciate it.’ He did. But he didn’t want to talk to Victor. Or anyone. He did miss having sex, though. And Victor was so good. So it was for the best to stay away or he wouldn’t be able to resist.

When he finished the last cigarette, he went back inside, and straight to the kitchen. He noticed Gerard looking at him every now and then, clearly worried about him, and it hurt him. But he also wanted to drag him to the restroom and pin him to the wall and fuck him. But Gerard had asked him for more time. So he was going to give it to him.

As hard as it was for him.

That night as they closed, Frank waited for Gerard, and even helped him so he could finish faster, and as they walked out, Frank stopped him. ‘Hey – you wanna come home with me?’

_Shit._

He had become one of them.

One of the guys Frank took home.

The thing he thought that would never happen.

Though for them it was different, obviously. Gerard wasn’t ready for sex, and he knew Frank just needed company, and he would obviously provide. So he took Frank’s hand, and they got in his car.

The same day went on exactly the same. And the next. Gerard was starting to get worried that Frank was drinking too much and getting depressed, and he knew they needed help, but he didn’t know who to ask.

When he woke up next to him on Thursday, he noticed him crying. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, getting closer and wrapping his arm around me from behind. He noticed the beard was gone, and that he had finally showered.

‘The funeral’s today.’

He hugged him tighter and kissed his shoulders. ‘I know your family doesn’t know about you, but you want me to be there for you? As friends.’

‘I appreciate it. But I have to do this alone.’

‘I understand.’

Frank was playing with his silver watch. ‘It was his. The only thing I have left of him.’

‘I’m sure you have so much more. All the memories, and I never knew him, but by the way you talk about him, I’m sure he had a huge influence in you. And you even became a pharmacist like him.’ Frank couldn’t help smiling at that. ‘He’ll live in you forever.’

‘How do you always know what to say?’

‘I don’t know if I mentioned this, but not long ago, my grandma died too. She lived with us, and she was the one who encouraged me to draw and be who I wanted to be. And me and Mikey were really close to her. So I know the feeling.’

Frank kissed him. ‘I’m sorry.’

Gerard nodded. ‘Now every time I draw, or when I’m writing my comic book, I know it’s because she told me to do it. And it’s like she’s there with me.’

‘Thank you,’ Frank said, and hugged him, not letting go.

***

Frank thought he had already cried all he had to cry, that there were no tears left.

But as soon as he walked in the chapel and saw his grandfather’s body in a casket, he sobbed even more.

He spent the entire service, sitting next to his dad and sobbing loudly, getting looks from everyone else. _Fuck them,_ he thought. They didn’t know how important he was for him. He felt like a child, small and vulnerable. Alone.

His dad had to hold him close for the rest of the service, comforting him.

He knew people were looking at him, he didn’t care. He noticed his aunt Jo sitting next to him, and he reached for her hand. He was going to need as much support as possible.

They both walked Frank to the front where the casket was, to give him a last goodbye. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t see his grandpa like that. Instead, he cried in his dad’s shoulder, his aunt hugging him too, and soon his entire family was approaching him and comforting him. ‘You’ll be okay, Frankie,’ his dad said. ‘We’ll take care of you now.’

Frank just nodded, and didn’t let go of his dad.

When they took the casket away, Frank went out for a cigarette. ‘You need a ride to the cemetery?’ his dad asked.

‘I’m fine, thanks. I’ll just call Gerard.’

‘How is it going with him?’

‘I don’t know. I just hope I’m not scaring him away by crying all the time. But he’s too sweet.’

‘I’m glad you have someone who makes you smile right now.’

‘He does.’

After finishing his cigarette, he locked himself in his car, and took a deep breath before calling Gerard. ‘Hey,’ he heard the voice on the other side say.

‘Hey,’ the younger one said with a sigh.

‘You’re good?’

‘Not really. I just had a breakdown at the funeral.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I was thinking – can you come with me to the burial? I might need you there. I’ll pick you up.’

‘Then I’ll be there.’

How did he get so lucky with Gerard? He was the best not-boyfriend he could get.

When he got to his apartment, Gerard was dressed in black pants and shirt, and he couldn’t help going for a kiss. ‘Thanks for coming with me.’

‘Of course. I told you I wanted to be there for you.’

They were quiet for the whole ride, and Gerard could see he wanted to cry again.

When they got there, Gerard got out of the car and walked behind Frank, but it wasn’t long until he reached for his hand and held it tight. Gerard shot him a look. ‘Are you sure?’

Frank just nodded and led him to where his family was.

As they got closer, his aunts and uncles, and all the people he didn’t know, they were all staring at him and Gerard, but that only made him walk prouder. He had Gerard with him, and nothing else mattered.

They reach the front of the crowd, next to his dad, and stood there.

And when he started sobbing again, Gerard held him close.


	13. Chapter 13

After the funeral, there was a family gathering at his grandparents’ house. ‘You wanna come with me?’ Frank asked as they made their way to the car.   
‘Are you sure it’s okay with them?’ Gerard said, and pointed at Frank’s family, still behind them.   
‘Who cares about what they think? I don’t.’  
‘But I thought you said you weren’t out yet –’  
‘But I think they all got the idea when we got here together holding hands.’  
Gerard nodded. He knew Frank needed his support and he’d obviously be there for him.   
‘Let’s go then.’  
They parked outside the house, but Frank wasn’t ready yet. So he opened the glove compartment and took his cigarettes out. ‘Want one?’  
Gerard shook his head.   
‘I’ll smoke one for you.’ He lit one and took a big drag, and then kept his arm out the window. He didn’t say anything, but Gerard could see he was about to start crying again. But all he could do was hold his hand while he smoked three cigarettes. ‘I know I told you I needed some time,’ Frank said. ‘But the more time passes, the more I like you, and I don’t think I can do any of this without you. So –’  
Gerard looked up at him.  
‘Do you want to be my boyfriend?’  
‘I –’  
‘You don’t have to answer now. I understand if it’s too soon for you. I just wanted to introduce you as my boyfriend, but it’s okay if – ’  
‘I do,’ Gerard interrupted, and then leaned in to kiss him.  
‘You have no idea how happy that makes me.’ But Gerard kept kissing him, not letting him finish his sentence. ‘And I promise you you’re the only one.’  
‘I’d prefer that.’  
Gerard pulled him by the collar of his shirt as the kiss deepened, and Frank’s hand went to his hair, pulling it as his tongue pushed down his throat. Then, that familiar feeling in his stomach formed, and he was already getting hard. So he stopped before they got any further. He knew Gerard wasn’t ready, and he didn’t want to pressure him. As horny as he was. ‘Let’s go before I regret it.’  
He led his boyfriend inside the house, not letting go of his hand, and kissed him just before the walked through the door. ‘Thanks for coming with me.’  
‘Of course.’  
As soon as they got in, Frank’s dad went to greet them. ‘I thought you went home,’ he said to his son.  
Frank just shook his head. ‘Hey, dad – I wanted you to meet someone.’ He pulled Gerard closer. ‘This is Gerard, my boyfriend.’  
‘Oh – so you’re boyfriends now. I see.’ He held out his hand to Gerard, who shook it nervously. ‘Nice to meet you, Gerard. My son here cares a lot about you, by the way.’  
‘Dad!’  
‘Nice to meet you, too, Sir.’ Gerard blushed.  
‘I’m happy for you guys.’  
‘Me too,’ Frank said, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend’s waist.   
He walked past all of his cousins in the hallway, and one of them raise her arm up and high fived Frank as he did. ‘Yaassss!’ she said with a smirk.   
He ignored most of his aunts and uncles, and went straight to the living room, where his aunt Jo was sitting next to his Nana, a ninety year-old Italian woman wearing her best dress and pearls. ‘Hi, Nana,’ he said, and took her hand. ‘I just wanted to introduce you to my boyfriend. Nana, this is Gerard. Gerard, this is my Nana.’  
Despite her age, she seemed strong and alert. She didn’t say anything, but shook Gerard’s hand. And then, out of nowhere, she said, ‘You always had good taste, Frankie.’ And both boys just laughed.   
Frank sat next to her, and his dad brought them Cokes, while his aunt Jo talked to Gerard. ‘Is he treating you right?’ she asked.  
‘He is, actually.’   
They played with the puppy, and went out for a cigarette with one of Frank’s cousins. Then, he just stood in the corridor, a little too close, while Frank’s uncle gave a drunk speech. ‘Hi, boyfriend,’ Frank whispered in his ear, making him smile and blush. ‘You wanna get out of here?’  
They got in the car, and just sat there for a minute. ‘I’m tired of crying, you know?’ Frank said. ‘I’m tired of crying and feeling like shit. So let’s just do something fun, okay?’  
Gerard nodded. He felt bad because they were just in his grandfather’s funeral, and it felt wrong. But he didn’t want to see him sad anymore.  
‘Where are we going?’ he asked.  
‘I don’t know. Let’s just drive around town.’ He put on some music, a playlist of 50’s songs. Come Softly to Me, by he Fleetwoods came on, and he started the engine. With the windows down, and his boyfriend by his side, he just drove around the streets he knew.   
They didn’t say anything, just sang to the songs they knew, and shared a cigarette.  
Half an hour later, they ended up at a fast food restaurant drive thru and ordered a bunch of fries and shakes and all the sauces, and sat at a lonely park to eat. ‘So this is our first date?’ Frank asked.  
‘I guess.’  
They started eating, and Frank wiped the ranch off his hands of Gerard’s face, and then pushed a handful of fries into his mouth. He giggled at his own work.   
‘I missed your laugh,’ Gerard said.  
Frank couldn’t say anything or he’d start crying. So Gerard covered his face with honey mustard, keeping him from it. And then, he licked it off himself.   
After wiping off the rest of the sauce and finishing off their food, they got in the car again, and Frank drove them to the arcade. ‘Is this thing even open for business?’ Gerard asked.  
‘Yes, a true 80’s relic, just like me.’  
He got twenty dollars in tokens, which didn’t take five minutes for them to spend. So they got more. Frank challenged him into a dance battle, and lost. Gerard got a stuffed animal from the claw machine and gave it to Frank, who got excited. ‘Now you have something to remember our first date,’ he said.  
‘Best date ever.’ Frank leaned in to kiss him, not caring about anything else. He had never felt like he did with Gerard, and he was sure this was how it felt to fall in love with someone, but he didn’t want to say it, afraid he’d jinx it.  
After cashing their winnings – all they could afford were some rubber balls and five lollipops – they drove back to Frank’s house. Gerard helped him clean his mess while Frank got in the shower, and was glad to have forgotten his sweatpants that morning, because now he had something to change into. He waited for Frank to come out of the shower and they both lay in bed afterwards.   
Frank pressed his lips against his and ran his hands through his hair. ‘Thank you,’ he said as he pulled apart. ‘For being there. And everything else.’  
‘Thank you for letting me.’  
Frank started running his hand all over his boyfriend’s face, pulling his lips, and his eyelids up, then his cheeks, giggling. Biting his own tongue to avoid saying the L word. ‘I like you so fucking much,’ he said instead.  
‘I like you more.’  
‘You do?’ But Gerard didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled him by the hem of his shirt and kissed him. He kissed him, and his fingers slipped in under his shirt without even thinking, and Frank let him. It felt great.  
He’d go as far as Gerard wanted, but it seemed that was it for the moment. He just let his hand rest on Frank’s side, rubbing his stomach with his thumb. Frank loved that. He was flushed, deepening the kiss, and then breaking it to get some air. He couldn’t say anything. He just giggled, and kissed him again.


	14. Chapter 14

Gerard had a boyfriend.

Finally, he thought.

He had to wait for over thirty years, but now he had a boyfriend.

And he was the hottest, sweetest man ever, and he had no idea what he did to deserve him.

Waking up next to him shirtless, in his bed, after they fell asleep in each other’s arms, he couldn’t help staring at him. Looking so peaceful.

He admired his tattooed arms, his hair getting longer, and his scruff. His tummy.

So perfect.

He couldn’t believe he was his.

But the best thing was when they kissed, when his hands were all over Gerard, how safe he made him feel. Like there was no one else, and nothing else that mattered. Just the two of them.

He wished he could give him more, he wished he was ready. It was just sex, he thought. And he wanted it. He had – _thought about it,_ a lot. But doing it for the first time at thirty seemed like a big deal. He didn’t know how.

And he wanted to be good for him.

Frank was a fucking sex god, for fuck’s sake.

He had all the experience in the world, and to keep so many men he was probably amazing. While Gerard didn’t even know what went where or how to give a fucking blowjob. Frank would either get tired of waiting or realized how bad he was and leave him, and Gerard didn’t know what was worse.

‘Why are you up so early?’ Frank mumbled in his sleep.

‘I just –’

‘Shh,’ Frank said with his hand in his boyfriend’s mouth. ‘Don’t talk. Go back to sleep.’

He then pulled Gerard closer and snuggled up closer. ‘You smell nice,’ he said.

‘You’re just lucky I took a shower yesterday.’

‘Nah – I like how smell. Like you. I don’t even know how to describe it.’ Gerard laughed at that. ‘I’m serious. It’s just enough to put me in a good mood.’

‘I’m glad then. I’ll stop showering now.’

‘No –’ Frank went back to his arms, nuzzling his neck, not letting go. ‘Can we stay like this?’

‘Absolutely.’

Gerard didn’t want to mention that he was getting hard just by having Frank on top of him, but he knew he’d notice at some point.

‘Is that what I think it is?’ Frank asked, just like Gerard predicted. And then looked down at Gee’s pants, and proceeded to laugh.

‘I know – it’s pathetic.’

‘No – it’s actually hot.’

Gerard gave him a look. He wanted to have sex, yes. He wanted Frank to fuck him. But he was already freaking out, and he wanted to be prepared. ‘Frank –,’ he said, visibly gulping.

‘I know. And I’m not trying to pressure you. In fact, I’m enjoying where we are. Cute dates, cuddling, waking up together. All of it.’ Gerard smiled, giving him a look. ‘I’m serious. My relationships are usually not like that, so this is new. And I like it. I like that I can talk to you whenever I have something in my mind, and that you take care of me when I was feeling shit. And that despite you never had a boyfriend, you still managed to be the best one ever.’

‘But I still want to –’

‘I know. But I don’t want to pressure you, okay?’

‘How do you know when it’s time?’

‘In my experience – you don’t know,’ Frank said, laughing. ‘I was too young. I was dating the worst guy ever. He treated me like shit but I still wanted it. And he dumped me right after.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I just think you’re lucky, cause you got me, and I don’t plan on ever dumping you.’

‘You say that now –’

‘No, I’m very serious.’

Gerard really wanted to think that. He knew he wouldn’t cheat on him, or at least he hoped so. But he wasn’t stupid. He didn’t know what he could offer Frank to keep him with him. What would happen the day he saw the real Gerard? The anxiety, the bad days, his breakdowns. He wasn’t that easy to deal with, and he knew that. And Frank could be with anyone he wanted, why would he want to be with him?

‘Don’t you miss it?’ Gerard asked, out of nowhere.

‘Miss what?’

‘Sex.’

Frank couldn’t help laughing. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Oh – you know what I’m talking about. You’re like a fucking sex god, Frank Iero.’

‘Are you calling me a slut?’

‘No,’ Gerard replied laughing.

‘Fine, I kinda deserve that. But how do you know? You’ve never done it with me!’

‘Yeah, but men – and women – go crazy about you! Don’t think I never saw how that guy Victor, or Bob looked at you.’

‘Don’t bring them up! They don’t matter, it’s just you and me.’

That brought a smile to Gerard’s face, as well as a weird feeling in his stomach. But he had to remind himself not to get too excited. Frank was his first boyfriend, and he fell he was falling in love too quickly, and that would hurt more the day it had to end. But it was hard when Frank was looking at him like that, like he was actually the only thing that mattered in the whole universe.

‘It’s funny,’ Frank started. ‘Because I feel this is a first for both of us. I never really had a real relationship. Back in college I was just having fun, and I didn’t want to get my heart broken because it hurt a lot that first time. And being a slut seemed easier, and no feeling were required. But I think I was just scared of being alone.’

‘I’ve been there.’

‘But I got you now. I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t feel like I have to be with somebody else to fill my time. And we don’t have to be alone again.’

Gerard tried not to cry.

How did he get so lucky?

***

They didn’t get up from bed for another hour, after making out and more and talking about not wanting to go to work. Then, they headed to the kitchen, where Frank started making waffles for them, and told Gerard to start the coffee.

‘So – no offense, but you have a nice house for someone who works at a bar,’ Gerard mentioned. ‘Who did you rob?’

Frank laughed hysterically. ‘What? It’s my mom’s. And the only reason why I’m not homeless.’

‘Really? Did she –’

‘No! She moved to Florida with her new husband.’

‘Oh, sorry,’ the older man said with an embarrassed smile.

‘Yeah. I was living with – somebody else that doesn’t deserve to be mentioned. And she told me she was moving to Florida so it was mine now. So if you see some weird decoration, it’s hers. I haven’t really felt like redecorating.’

‘Good to know. I saw some lady underwear in the bathroom and I thought that you were into wearing panties.’

‘Shut the fuck up!’ he joked, punching him in the arm. ‘More respect for my mother.’

‘I’m sorry, I’m just joking.’

Gerard wrapped him in his arms, keeping him from punching him again.

Over breakfast, they realized they didn’t know a lot about each other, so they talked about where they grew up, what school they went to. They realized they had a friend in common, and that they were probably at the same concert years ago, and how weird it was that they only met each other now since Mikey knew Frank for the longest time. Gerard told him about art school, and that he sometimes missed it. And Frank told him about how his grandma thought he was dating Jamia for the longest time. ‘So you know her that long?’

‘Yup, since high school. We have history,’ he said laughing. ‘She pretty much fought my bullies in freshman year, and that’s how we met. We went to every dance together and pretended we were dating at school so they would leave me alone.’

‘That’s nice.’

‘Yeah, she’s pretty much like a sister, and the only one I’d allow to slap me if I’m doing something stupid. Which is often.’

‘Good to know.’

After watching another movie together, and going to the supermarket because there was no food in Frank’s fridge, Frank dropped him off at his apartment because he needed his work uniform. ‘I guess I’ll see you later?’ he said.

‘Yes,’ Gerard replied.

‘Okay, I’ll see you later – boyfriend.’ Then, he pressed him against the door, and kissed him. ‘I’ll miss you.’

‘I’ll miss you, too.’

Gerard saw him walk back to his car, before getting in himself, unable to stop smiling. He loved having a boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, guys! 
> 
> first of all, thanks for reading, it means a fucking lot!
> 
> I really appreciate all the love and support, and every single comment means the world to me, so please let me know what you think, vote and comment, it's the only way I have to know if you guys actually like it and that all the work is worth it <3
> 
> xomontsexo


	15. Chapter 15

‘Hey, you,’ Gerard said as he came in to work. Frank was the only one by the counter, and couldn’t help smiling at his boyfriend.

‘Hey, you.’ They kissed quickly, before Gerard walked to the back to get a clean apron and his drawer to start the day.

As he was getting ready, Jamia came out from the office. ‘Good evening, lovebirds. It’s nice to have you with us,’ she said, leaving a box on one of the tables. ‘I regret to inform you that you’re not working together tonight. Gerard, you stay there, your pretty face sells.’

‘But I’m the pretty face,’ Frank protested.

Jamia interrupted. ‘But you’re also the manager, pretty princess. And you need to fix that thing about Friday’s show.’

‘But I thought you were going to do it.’

‘I don’t get paid enough for that. I was only covering for you because you needed time off. But you’re back, so get to work.’

‘Look who’s the boss now.’

‘Whatever, you can see each other later.’

They didn’t have any choice anyway. Frank stayed in the office for most part of the night, making calls and trying not to kill anyone. When he was over, he went outside for a well deserved cigarette, only to come back to complete chaos because one of the kitchen guys quit at the last minute, so he had to try and talk to him to convince him not to. But there was nothing he could do, other than go and help in the kitchen.

By the time they had to go home, Frank was sore as hell. When he closed the back door, Gerard was waiting for him. He went for a hug, but Frank insisted not to because he smelled like shit. ‘But thanks for waiting for me,’ he said, almost surprised.

‘Of course.’

‘You wanna come home with me?’ Once home, Frank went straight to his shower, and then they tried to watch a movie, but Frank fell asleep in Gerard’s arms

It was almost the same the next couple days, still one cook short, and Frank having to fill in. but at least it gave him a good view. Gerard.

He was so focused on Gerard’s beauty, he wasted a whole batch of fries, and Jamia had to drag him to the office. ‘What are you doing?’ she asked, a little pissed off.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You almost burned the kitchen! Is this about your –?’

‘No! No!’ Frank interrupted. ‘I’m fine!’

‘Then it’s about Gerard. I knew it.’

‘What? No!’ But his face gave him away.

‘Don’t you spend like every minute together or something? He pretty much lives with you.’ Neither of them said anything for a while, but Frank looked nervous, and couldn’t even look her in the eye. But she knew him well enough. ‘Aw, Frankie! You’re in love!’

He didn’t even try to deny it.

When he looked up and met her eyes, it was obvious. ‘I’m screwed, right?’

‘Why? No!’ she said, trying to comfort him. ‘How could you not? He’s the sweetest!’

‘I know, right?’ And then, out of nowhere, he started crying. ‘I just – I’ve never really been in love. And it’s fucking confusing, all these feelings, and I don’t know what to do with them, and that makes me angry.’

Jamia walked up to him and held his head with both hands. ‘What you’re feeling is beautiful, and I’m so happy for you, because you deserve this kind of love. You deserve happiness.’ Frank nodded at her. ‘You’re so lucky you found Gee, because he’s the only guy you were allowed to fall for.’

‘I know. But what if I’m not enough for him? What if he realizes that? Or what if I break his heart? I wouldn’t forgive myself if I do.’

‘No, you’re not going to hurt him.’

‘I won’t. But he thinks he needs to put out to be with me, and it hurts that he thinks that.’

‘Well, you were kind of –’

‘I know! But he’s special. He deserves more than just me being a whore. And I don’t want to ruin his first time.’

‘You guys haven’t –’

Frank shook his head.

‘Wow, you really are in love, my friend?’ Jamia said, almost laughing. ‘What have you been doing all this time, then?’

‘Hanging out. I cried a lot, and he took care of me. And we made out.’

‘You’re so adorable!’

He finally laughed. ‘Shut up! I just don’t want to pressure him.’

‘I’m honestly surprised you’ve survived this long without sex.’

Frank shot her a look. ‘I don’t need dick to survive, okay?’

But his friend couldn’t help laughing at that. ‘Yeah, right. Since when? Just a few weeks ago you had at least three different guys on speed dial for whenever you got horny.’

‘But I’m not the same. I’ve changed, okay? I just need Gerard. And I’m willing to wait.’

‘Just know that if you hurt him, I’ll beat your ass, okay?’

‘Please.’

***

‘You wanna go get something to eat on our way home?’ Gerard asked as they were about to close down.

‘Sure!’ They were so used to going home together, they didn’t even question it.

They stopped at a veggie burrito place that was open 24/7, and drove to Frank’s house to watch a movie and make out.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Gerard said. ‘Before I forget, I’m gonna go to my parents’ house tomorrow. It’s my mom’s birthday, so –’

‘Say happy birthday for me. Oh wait – do they know?’

‘Not yet, but I’ll probably tell them.’

‘Will you?’

‘Yeah. Maybe next time I can take you with me?’

Frank smiled at that. And he almost let it out.

He almost told him how much he loved him, right there. But he bit his tongue because he didn’t want to ruin the moment.

‘I’ll miss you,’ he said instead, trying not to sound needy, but it was too late.

‘I’ll miss you too.’ He leaned in to kiss him. ‘You sure you’ll be fine.’

‘Yeah. I’ll probably be at work, and if I get bored, I’ll annoy Jam.’

‘Sounds like a good plan.’

‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, and you need to go see your family.’

But Gerard couldn’t help it. Just weeks ago, his grandpa died, and he was drinking a lot. And he just hoped he didn’t do the same with him gone. He wished he could take him, but he needed to talk to his parents first.

***

Frank tried to focus on his job, and even worked harder, kept the bar clean, and helped with the truck.

He told Gerard he’d be fine, so he had to keep his promise.

The less he thought about Gerard, the easier it’d be.

Jamia knew what he was doing, but she didn’t say anything. Just checked on him at least once every half an hour, until he yelled at her that he was fine.

They closed early, and Jam asked him again. ‘I told you –’ he said.

‘I know, but I don’t want you to be alone right now.’

‘Did Gerard told you to keep an eye on me?’

‘He kinda did. But hey, I was your best friend before he got here. I’m worried too. And I know you don’t like to be alone. I’m just offering my services as best friend. If you want to do something fun, Hambone’s band is playing later tonight.’

‘On a Sunday?’

‘We don’t work tomorrow. Let’s go and have some fun. We haven’t seen him in a while.’

‘Fine. Just let me go and take a shower ‘cause I stink.’

‘Yayy! I’ll tell him to text you the name of the venue ‘cause I can’t remember.’

After his shower, Frank tried to entertain himself by watching TV and cleaning while he waited for Hambone’s text. But all he could think was Gerard and that, yes, Frank kinda missed sex a little.

So, now he was jerking off in his bathroom, thinking about Gerard, because that was all he could do. And he was happy with it.

He came just thinking about Gerard kissing him, and his hands holding him.

As if on cue, he got a text as he was washing his hands.

 _I’ll be there in ten,_ Frank replied and got out of his house.

It was nice to see his friends again. Ever since Hambone’s band took off that summer, they’d been on tour. And he was kind of jealous that they were playing music and not him. But he would never admit it. He just watched from the side of the stage, singing to their songs, because he obviously knew them all.

After the show, they hung out by the bar, and Hambone told him all about their life on the road, and that he should do it too. ‘You have the talent, Frankie.’

‘Nah, I don’t know. I’m doing okay.’

He didn’t want to tell him about his grandfather, and that now that he had died, the pharmacy was closed, and he didn’t know what to do with his life. He didn’t want to mention Gerard, even though he knew his friend would be happy for him. But it made him emotional, and he didn’t want to cry.

Instead, he drank more.

Jamia left with the bassist, who happened to be her ex boyfriend, and Frank was happy they were close again. In the meantime, he kept drinking and talking to Hambone.

And ignored the guy looking at him by the corner.

He’d been staring all night.

It was one of the roadies, and he used to play drums for Frank’s band too. And they were fuck buddies too.

And Frank knew that’s what he wanted.

‘Hey, Frankie,’ he said, approaching.

‘Hey, Michael.’ He was still hot. But no, Frank had a boyfriend now. A real relationship. And he was happy. ‘How you’ve been?’

‘You know, here and there.’ Frank just nodded, wishing he could run away. ‘How are you?’

‘Better.’ _Not in a toxic not-relationship, in love._

‘I’m glad.’ And then, Michael was pushing himself against Frank and kissing him, just like in the old times. And Frank wanted to stop him. He wanted to tell him that he had a boyfriend now and that he wasn’t sleeping around like he used to. He wanted to, but he couldn’t.

Because Michael was so good with his tongue, he always made Frank forget about everything.

He didn’t even realize how they ended up kissing in the corridor behind the stage.

Not until he felt Michael’s hand going down and cupping his crotch, which was already getting hard.

_Fuck._

He hated that he still had that power over him.

But Frank wasn’t the same anymore.

So he just pushed him, holding in the tears. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘What? Why not?’

‘Because I have a boyfriend!’ Frank yelled. ‘I finally have something good, and you just ruined it!’ He just walked away, not even saying goodbye or taking his jacket.

He wasn’t even out the door, when he let himself cry.


	16. Chapter 16

‘You seem in such a good mood,’ Gerard’s mom said halfway through dinner.

‘You think?’ he said, blushing. He wasn’t used to any of it. The having a boyfriend, nor being happy.

But he wasn’t ready to tell them yet.

Not when Mikey was giving him the look as if he suspected what was going on, and he was scared his dad wouldn’t be okay. So he just shrugged it off. Instead, he just talked about his new job, and when his mom asked if he was writing that comic book, he said he didn’t really have time.

After dinner, Mikey asked if he wanted to go smoke outside, and Gerard accepted the offer. They walked to the front porch, while their mom yelled at them that they shouldn’t be smoking.

‘So what was that smile about?’ Mikey asked right away, taking out a cigarette. ‘And don’t say anything, because I know you better than mom and dad.’

Gerard couldn’t even hide it. He was smiling again, and if anyone should be the first to know, it was Mikey. ‘Remember Frank?’

‘Yeah, why?’

But Gerard didn’t say anything. He just looked at him with a smirk, waiting for him to realize what he meant.

It took him a minute or two. ‘No – I’m gonna go and beat that motherfucker.’

‘No. It’s not – we’re dating.’

‘What? Why? You know how he is!’

‘But he’s not like that with me. He said he wanted to be exclusive.’

‘And you believed him?!’ Mikey yelled.

‘Yes. I like him a lot.’

‘But –’

‘Fuck, Mikes! Can’t you be happy for me for a minute? I finally have a fucking boyfriend, and I’m happy! I don’t care if he used to be a slut, but we really care about each other.’

Mikey stood there in silence, thinking about it. ‘Fine. And I _am_ happy for you. But if he hurts you –’

‘I know. But he won’t.’

‘He better not.’

They finished their cigarettes, but didn’t move for a while. And then Gerard spoke up, ‘I still have to come out to mom and dad, though.’

‘You’re gonna tell them tonight?’

‘I don’t know. But I want them to meet Frank. I want to bring him home for dinner. He’s that important to me.’

His brother just nodded.

‘But I’m not ready yet.’

He stayed the night because it they stayed up late playing cards like in the old days. He texted Frank a couple times and tried to call him before bed, but Frank never answered.

Maybe he fell asleep after work, he thought.

***

Frank stared at his phone ringing on his night stand.

He knew it was Gerard.

And he couldn’t talk to him.

How could he? He’d just kissed someone.

He ruined everything.

He shouldn’t have let Michael kiss him. He should have stopped him.

But it was too late now.

How was he supposed to tell Gerard what he did and break his heart? How was he supposed to tell him that his first boyfriend kissed someone else?

There was no way of doing it without breaking him and that was the last thing he wanted.

He hated himself more than ever.

He wished he had never met Gerard. He’d still be living his life without having to fall in love, without having to hurt anyone. Gerard would probably meet someone else in no time. He was perfect.

But it was too late now, and he could never forgive himself for what he had done to Gerard. There was no way they could be together now, not knowing what he’d done. And without Gerard, his life had no meaning.

He was the only thing that made sense now.

Without him, there was no point going on.

With no change to get any sleep, and the anxiety eating him away, he got up from bed and took his cigarettes before heading out.

It was starting to get cold, and he knew he’d get a cold, which usually knocked him out for weeks, but he didn’t care anymore. He could die for all he cared. In the meantime, he’d smoke himself to death. Whatever happened first.

He couldn’t even cry anymore. He’d gone dry and it hurt.

When he took another cigarette, he realized it was the last one, so he went and bought more. Plus, more alcohol.

He was so angry at himself he almost walked into the first bar that was still open at four in the morning, just to start a fight with someone and let them punch him, just like when he was in college and got too drunk.

But he didn’t even have the energy for that.

Instead, he went home and opened the bottle of vodka, and drank the whole thing.

But he wasn’t numb enough.

It only made him cry and hate himself more.

It brought back memories of him and Gerard and how perfect it all was. And how he ruined everything.

Halfway through the bottle of whiskey, he just passed out on the floor.

***

He got up and immediately ran to the bathroom to throw up.

His head was spinning, and his stomach hurt worse than ever.

And then he remembered why he was drinking in the first place and that hurt even more, and he wished he had died. Maybe next time he’d add some painkillers.

In the meantime, he washed his face and try to recover himself.

He checked his phone to see the time – past two o’clock in the afternoon –, and saw that both Jamia and Gerard had called. Many times.

So he decided to ignore his phone, and went to take a shower.

An hour later, he was still feeling like shit, and start to clean his mess to distract himself from thinking about Gerard. But it was impossible. 

He finished the rest of the whiskey, hoping that would help his hungover.

He was starting to feel drunk, lying on his couch and crying, when there was a knock on his door. More like someone banging hard on it. ‘Frankie! C’mon! I know you’re there!’

It was Gerard.

_Fuck._

He started to panic, not knowing how to do.

‘Please, you’re worrying me! I just want to know you’re okay.’

He was crying?

And he didn’t even know.

Fuck. What had he done?

It was better when nobody gave a shit about him.

‘Please, Frankie.’

He had no choice but to open. He didn’t want Gerard to think he was too drunk to open. Or worse, that he’d –

It took him all the courage he had left to drag himself to the door, and as soon as he opened it, Gerard stood there, just looking at him. ‘Frank?’ he said, confused as if he was a stranger. ‘What happened?’

But Frank didn’t answer. He couldn’t.

He didn’t have the guts to admit what he did and break Gerard’s heart right then.

‘Oh, Frankie! I’m sorry I left you,’ Gerard continued. ‘I should have come to you after dinner.’

Frank wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t stop his life for him. That it wasn’t his fault that Frank was so messed up he couldn’t be left alone. But he couldn’t.

Gerard kept telling him he missed him, and that he was sorry he had to be all day on his own. And Frank didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t that.

He just let him think it was because he was still mourning his grandpa. And he let him wrapped his arms around him and comfort him as he cried.

***

Frank didn’t even remember falling asleep on the couch, Gerard taking care of him.

But when he woke up, seeing Gerard stroking his hair, he felt guilty as fuck.

And he almost told him right there and then.

But it was like he couldn’t talk anymore.

Gerard ordered pizza but Frank wasn’t in the mood to eat.

‘What is wrong, Frankie?’ Gerard tried again.

Frank just shook his head. He just wanted to enjoy being with him one last time, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. But he didn’t know how much longer he’d be with Gerard.

He just cuddled next to him, and fell asleep, wishing he could stay there forever.

***

The next day, he tried to go on as normal.

More because he was afraid he’d kill himself if he stayed home than actually wanting to go to work. Gerard told him he had to go back to his apartment to change into his uniform, and Frank left earlier than usual, and stayed in the office for most of his shift. Jamia noticed he wasn’t in the mood so she didn’t even say a word or asked what he’d been doing and why he never answered her calls.

He managed to confirm two local bands playing in the following weeks, and set up the schedule for those same weeks. But now he needed yet another cigarette break.

He’d lost count of how many he had taken already.

This time, he spotted Gerard by the counter, and a knot formed in his stomach. But he decided to ignore him or he’d start crying.

Unfortunately for him, Gerard come out right after him. ‘Hey, what happened?’ he asked.

But Frank was already in tears.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, almost in a whisper, before turning to him. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘This,’ he repeated, waving his finger back in forth between the two of them. ‘Us.’

‘What?’ Frank could swear he heard Gerard’s heart break in that very second.

‘I’m sorry. I tried. But I don’t think I’m fit for a relationship. I’ve got too much shit and the last thing I want is to bring it in, and ruined this. Ruin you.’ He was sobbing by now. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘But why?’ Gerard tried to close the space between them, but Frank kept distancing himself.

‘Because I ruin everything I touch. And I don’t want to hurt you.’ He paused. ‘When I told you that I wanted to take some time, it was for this same reason. But then, it was too hard to be away from you, and I became dependent, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me all the time to keep me happy. Because you’re so much more than me. And you’re better off without me,’ he yelled.

Gerard was crying too, and it hurt Frank more than anything.

But he couldn’t do anything to make him feel better.

Instead, he continued. ‘And you know what’s the worst part? That I fell so hard for you. I love you so fucking much, but I can’t be with you.’

The two of them just stood there for a while, not saying a word, not daring to get close to each other, tears rolling down their eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ Frank repeated. ‘It’s over.’

And he walked away to his car.


	17. Chapter 17

It was over.

It had barely lasted.

Was Gerard that bad that his only relationship lasted only weeks?

And he knew that he’d never manage to find somebody else who liked him, so that was it for him. Not that he wanted to be with anybody else.

He just knew that he wanted Frank.

And did he say he _loved_ him? Then why the fuck did he break up with him?

He was still trying to process everything, in the middle of an anxiety attack, going through his second cigarette already, and he punched the brick wall out of frustration.

What had he done wrong? Why was Frank acting like that out of nowhere?

He couldn’t help thinking it was all his fault, that he wasn’t good enough for him. What if Frank cheated on him? He knew it was impossible to turn a guy who slept around into a faithful one overnight, but he hoped he didn’t need anyone else.

Now his head going over it and it wouldn’t shut up, and he wasn’t sure how he was gonna make it. He just knew that Frank was the one who made things better, and now he had no one.

He just needed a drink.

So he walked back in, hoping Jamia would let him go early and drink himself numb. But Jamia was clearly not in the mood. ‘Don’t even,’ she said, as if she was reading his mind, but not even looking at him. ‘Rob just called and left me in charge.’ She paused in the middle of serving a drink for a customer. ‘We’re already short, and Frank just quit apparently.’

‘What?!’ Gerard said, almost yelling, and that was when Jamia looked up.

‘What happened? Are you crying?!’

‘He just broke up with me! And then he just left!’

‘What the fuck?!’ She ran to Gerard, forgetting about charging the customer. ‘You guys got in a fight or something?’

‘No.’ He paused, trying to fight the tears. ‘He’s been weird. I think he’s still depressed about his grandfather, but he was drinking and sobbing when I went to his house. And he told me he wasn’t fit for a relationship and that he didn’t want to ruin me. And then –’ It takes him a while to take in what Frank had said. ‘He said he loved me.’

Jamia stands there with her jaw dropped. She couldn’t believe he had told him.

‘He said he loved me, and then dumped me. Even though he said he’d never dump me.’

Jamia tried to say something to comfort him, but couldn’t think of the right words. She couldn’t tell him what they talked about the other day. But she knew her friend wouldn’t hurt Gerard. And that was what worried her.

She just hugged Gerard until he calmed down. ‘Look,’ she started. ‘I shouldn’t tell you this, but he’s been through a fucking lot. I’m sure it’s not personal.’

‘But I told him I wanted to be there for him.’

‘I know, and I’m sure he does too. But sometimes, it’s not up to you. And I love both of you like you have no idea, but maybe you weren’t ready to be together just yet.’

Gerard didn’t say anything. He was looking away, avoiding Jamia.

‘But that doesn’t mean you can’t be together later.’

‘But he said he can’t be in a relationship!’

‘And you know how stubborn he is. Just give him time, okay?’ She went back behind the counter, and came back with a bottle of vodka. ‘Now, I have a lot to do, so go and sit over there, and drink this, and I’ll drive you home tonight okay?’ She hugged him again just before they went on their way.

At least it was a slow night, and the finished closing not long after the last customer left, and when Jamia finished counting the drawers, she found Gerard passed out on one of the booths. ‘Oh, baby.’

She managed to walk him to her car somehow, listening to him rant about Frank, though he mainly went on and on about his cute laugh and that he had never been happier. ‘I told him I was ready to –’ he mumbled once in the car. ‘You know. And he just told me he wanted to enjoy where we were, and he didn’t want to pressure me. Why is he so fucking perfect? I want to hate him, but I can’t.’

Jamia couldn’t help laughing. ‘Oh, I get you.’

‘You think he’s okay?’

‘I wish I knew.’

She helped him straight to his bed with the help of Ray, who seemed weirded out by him being so drunk. ‘Can you just make sure he’s okay?’ he said one last time before she left.

***

Frank made a stop at the convenience store to get more cigarettes before going back home.

He didn’t want to be alone again.

He was scared of being by himself, scared of what he could do.

He even thought about going to the club or find someone online for a hookup. Go back to his old life. It used to help numbing his feelings. At least he wouldn’t spend the night alone.

And he almost did. He walked past the club he used to go. He even considered calling Victor. With his phone on his hand, he almost did it.

But a voice in his head told him that was the worst fucking idea ever, and he didn’t deserve anyone’s attention after what he did to Gerard.

He had promised he’d never dump him, and that was what he just did.

So he just drove home and drank. He knew that was an awful idea too, but maybe if he added some pills to the mix he wouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe he’d stop feeling at all.

He watched a stupid movie about talking animals, getting the courage to take them, but all he could think of was how Gerard would feel. His dad. His mom. Jamia.

He’d hurt everyone around him, and that was the last thing he wanted. He felt like a bomb about to explode.

He had so many people who cared about him, and he knew that. But he felt like he didn’t deserve any of it.

He emptied the contents of the bottle on his hand and he stared at it for the longest time –

But he just couldn’t do it.

He just couldn’t.

And just then – someone knocked on the door.

He dumped the pills on the sink, and ran to get the door. Jamia stood there, and the moment she saw him, she knew something was wrong.

He was pale and sweaty. Bags under his eyes. He looked almost dead. And he didn’t say anything, he just threw himself at her and started sobbing.

And she let him.

She knew he had a lot going on, and even though what he needed was professional help, a friend could help too.

And Frank cried for the longest time, just let it out. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I just wouldn’t be able to be around him right now. Not knowing what I did.’

 _Fuck,_ she thought. ‘What did you do?’

It took him a while to recover and say a word. ‘I – I kissed someone.’

‘WHAT?! What the fuck, Frank?’

‘I know! But – he just came up to me and kissed me and I wanted to say something, but –’

‘Wait, who?’ she asked.

‘Pedicone. He was at Hambone’s show.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Of course it had to be him. And you –’

‘No! I stopped him!’

‘So all of this because _he_ kissed _you_ and you stopped him? Honey, you did nothing wrong.’

‘But what if I do it? I’m scared I’d go back to that just to avoid being alone. What if I get so weak I sleep with someone else. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.’

She wanted to tell him something to make him feel better, but he didn’t know what, so she just hugged him and comforted him.

‘I didn’t want to break his heart, you know. Tell him that his first boyfriend kissed someone else.’

‘But it’s not your job to be his first boyfriend. Just be his _boyfriend._ ’

‘But I don’t know how to do that. I’m too fucked up to be someone’s boyfriend.’

‘You’re not. And you deserve love too.

He started sobbing in her arms again, apologizing and saying that he didn’t want to be in anyone’s way or ruin anyone’s life. And she remembered having that same conversation a while ago.

So she grabbed his head with both hands. ‘Hey – you’re not your mom, okay. And if you feel like you need help, just ask for it. I’m here, your family’s here. You know we won’t let it happen to you.’

Frank nodded. ‘And your mom got better. So can you,’ she said.

There was a long silence, and all they could hear was Frank’s sobs filling the room. ‘Can you stay with me tonight. I’m scared.’


	18. Chapter 18

Frank woke up with a headache and the sun shining on his face.

For a second, he didn’t know where he was or what had happened or how long he’d been knocked out.

He heard noises in the distance, someone in the kitchen doing the dishes.

He opened his eyes again. He was in his own living room. Sleeping on his couch.

Did he bring someone over? Why couldn’t he remember? Was Bob back? He always cleaned his mess whenever he visited.

Fuck.

What did he do?

Then he heard a female voice talking on the phone.

Did he –

How drunk was he?!

Until a minute later, someone walked in the living room.

Jamia.

‘You’re up?’ she asked, leaving a cup of coffee on the table, next to some painkillers.

Frank didn’t say a word, just covered his face in embarrassment. ‘Please tell me I didn’t do anything embarrassing.’

‘Well – besides breaking up with Gerard and throwing up in your carpet –’

‘Fuck! I forgot!’

‘I cleaned the carpet. You can pay me by getting your shit together and fixing things with Gee.’

‘Thanks,’ he said, reaching for her hand. ‘For being here. I keep pushing people away but you keep coming back.’

‘Always. You won’t get rid of me that easily.’ She laughed.

‘Thank you for that. I know I’m not easy.’ There was a long silence and they stayed like that, Jamia sitting next to him on the couch, his head on her shoulder, just like back in college and having each other’s back. ‘If I liked women, you’d think we’d be married by now?’

‘We’d probably be divorced.’ They both laugh. ‘I wouldn’t put up with you sleeping around.’

‘Maybe if I was with you, I wouldn’t need to.’

‘That’s what you say. And anyway, you have Gee now.’

‘Well –’ His mood switched as soon as he was mentioned, and he couldn’t hide the guilt.

‘Can I ask why?’

‘He deserves better. I’ll just ruin him.’

‘Don’t say that! He clearly likes you, might even have feelings for you.’

‘That just makes it worse! I kissed someone else!’

Jamia just sighed. She wanted to help her friend, and she wished there was a way to fix it. ‘Did you even feel something when Michael kissed you?’

‘No! Ew! What kind of question is that?’

‘Nothing? Not even like hot down there or that feeling in your stomach?’

‘No.’ He paused for a second. ‘And I wish I had stopped him the second his lips touched mine. But I don’t know why I didn’t. I just know my mind went blank, and it was only when I felt his hand in my crotch that I reacted.’

Jamia put her arm around his shoulder to comfort him. ‘I think –,’ she started. ‘And I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line, and I know I’m no psychologist, but I think your reaction is normal, especially considering –’ She took a minute to think her words. ‘I think you might have codependency issues.’

Frank didn’t even look up or say anything. He knew she was right. His last therapist had said the same thing.

‘Considering everything that happened with your mom growing up, and you going to live with your grandparents. And all your relationships, your drinking.’ She paused. ‘You’re used to letting people do what they want so they don’t leave you. But you don’t have to.’

‘I know,’ Frank said between sobs. ‘And I trust you more than a shrink. At least I know you care.’

‘I do. A fucking lot.’ She hugged him tight. ‘You’re so amazing, and you have no idea!’

‘You don’t have to lie.’

‘I’m not. You’re a great friend, and you’re funny and smart. And so talented! It’s a waste that you’re not on stage right now! And you always help others and care so much. And I’ve seen you with Gerard. I can see that you’d do anything for him.’

‘I would.’

‘Then do something.’

They sat there for a while, drinking their coffee, and talking like they used to when it was just them. Jamia told him Shaun and her were working things out, and maybe when tour was over, they’d go out again. Frank said he didn’t know what to do now that he was unemployed. ‘I don’t know what to do with my life, really.’

‘Is that why you quit?’ she asked.

‘Maybe. Maybe I knew it’d hurt me to see Gerard every day.’

‘Then, what do you wanna do? Have you tried looking for a job somewhere else, like a drugstore store or something?’

‘Like Walgreens?’ he asked laughing.

‘I don’t know! You have a degree.’

‘Yeah. But I’m not sure that’s what I want to do. I just wanted to be like my grandfather.’

‘Then you should do something you actually like.’

If he only knew what that was.

Jamia still had a couple hours before she had to go to work, so she stayed with Frank, just to keep him company.

‘Have you talked to your dad?’ she asked. ‘I’m sure he’s worried about you.’

‘And the last thing I need is to worry him even more.’

‘But he needs to know how you’re doing, okay? Promise me you’ll call him.’

‘Fine.’

She took him shopping with the excuse she needed extra hands to carry a new desk to her apartment, but it was mainly to distract him, and then they went for vegan ice cream. ‘You don’t have to stay with me all day,’ he said while they smoked outside. ‘I can take care of myself.’

‘Can you?’

He laughed. ‘Fine, you got a point.’

‘And I’m not. I gotta go to work. Someone has to be in charge at the bar since the manager just quit.’

‘I’m sorry about that. I just need time, okay?’

‘I know.’

After helping her with her desk, and promising to call her whenever he needed someone to talk to, he went home.

Except he didn’t want to be home.

It was too lonely, and too sad.

And he didn’t want to be alone anymore.

He packed some clothes in a bag, and grabbed his stuff. He didn’t know if he was going to his dad’s house, or drive all the way to Florida to visit his mom, or rehab, or just go somewhere new and start from scratch.

He just needed a break. A couple days away.

He got in his car and started driving in the rain. He put on some music and drove around town. Maybe a few days somewhere else would help him to learn to be by himself. He needed that.

He sang to the song on the radio, wondering where should he go.

 _I want to hold the hand inside you_ _  
I want to take the breath that's true  
I look to you and I see nothing  
I look to you to see the truth_

And somehow, he ended outside the bar.

He needed to explain to Gerard what had happened before he could go anywhere.

If he only had the guts. He stood inside the car, thinking of all the ways he could tell him what he’d done, but all of them would hurt him, and Frank wasn’t sure that was what he wanted. Maybe it was better if he just left.

But for some reason, he hadn’t moved.

He stared at the door, waiting for Gerard to come out. Or even Jamia, to just tell him to leave. But no one did.

So he got out of the car, and walked straight to the door.

And yet, he couldn’t walk in.

Through the window, he could see Gerard behind the counter, serving a customer. Looking miserable, and he knew it was his fault.

He just wanted to apologize. Tell him he deserve better, that he should move on, forget about him.

But he couldn’t move.

And when he least expected it, Gerard made eye contact with him.

And he looked even more miserable.

Then, Gee was walking towards the door, and outside. ‘What do you want?’ he asked when he was in front of Frank, under the pouring rain.

‘I’m here to apologize,’ Frank said. There was a long silence. ‘Please, just listen and I promise you never have to see me again.’

‘What the fuck, Frank? Why would I not want to see you? You were the one who left me, without any explanation!’

‘I know, and I’m sorry. Just – it seemed easier, okay? What I told you, about not being ready for a relationship? I wasn’t lying. And I thought I could just try and be a good boyfriend, but I can’t, and –’ He stopped, a knot forming in his throat.

‘Just say it, for fuck’s sake!’

‘I kissed someone!’ he yelled. ‘And it doesn’t matter who it was because it’s awful and I promised you to be faithful, and I’m the worst! And I know I should have stopped it right away, but I couldn’t! I just let him, just like I let everyone treat me like shit, and take whatever they want, because I hate being alone! And for the fucking first time I have something good, and I ruined it!’ He kept yelling, and in the meantime, Gerard stood there with tears in his eyes, speechless. ‘Go ahead, punch me! I deserve it!’

But he didn’t. He just pushed him hard, and Frank landed on the concrete floor. ‘How could you?’ he said sobbing. ‘I knew it was impossible for you to stop sleeping with everyone, but deep inside, I hoped you would. I thought you’d changed, I thought you really cared about me. But I asked too much of you.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ Frank cried.

‘You should be! All this time being alone, and thinking it was worth waiting when I found you, but you just proved to be what everyone told me you’d be.’

‘I know. And I hate myself. I’m so sorry, really.’ He was now on his knees, almost begging.

‘And I love you, too. I love you since the night you kissed me, but I knew it was stupid and I was just overreacting because you were my first kiss and I didn’t know anything else. But I know it’s true. And I also know that I won’t have anyone else because you were the only person to ever notice me, and maybe that’s why I fell in love with you. But now I’ll be alone forever. You were my only hope, and you ruined it.’

Frank wanted to tell him that wasn’t true. That someday someone would see him too, hopefully soon. That he wanted him to be happy, and that he deserved so much better, but the words got stuck and he couldn’t get them out.

He just got up, not having anything else to say, and was starting to turn around when Gerard pulled him by his jacket and kissed him.

Frank tried to say something, but Gerard pulled him closer again. ‘You’re gonna stop _me_?’ Frank didn’t even have a chance to shake his head before they were kissing again. ‘Are you going to stop me?!’

‘No.’

And then, he pressed his lips against Frank’s again, rain soaking them as they kissed.


	19. Chapter 19

‘We should go back inside,’ Gerard muttered once their lips parted.

Frank just nodded and followed him.

Inside, a small crowd gathered around the bar, and some others on the other side of the room, no one paying attention to what happened outside.

Only Jamia, who was behind the counter, saw them walk in and she and Gerard did that weird thing where they communicated with looks. _I see you worked things out,_ hers said.

 _Be right back,_ he said, and then walked Frank to the back, straight to the empty greenroom. He got a couple towels from the storage room and wrapped them around Frank to warm him up.

‘You’re wet, too,’ Frank said, shivering.

‘I’m okay.’

Gerard stood there, in front of Frank, leaning his back on a counter, while Frank sat on the couch. Neither of them said a word, and it felt like they were avoiding each other’s eyes.

‘I’m still waiting for you to punch me,’ Frank said out of nowhere.

‘I’m not going to.’

‘But I deserve it. It would hurt less that what I did to you.’

‘Frank, that’s not how things work.’ He paused, having trouble to speak up. ‘Look – I kinda expected something would happen. And I know that’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t be okay with it, and I know I should trust you. But I’m new at this, okay? I don’t know the rules, and I don’t know if I should care about them. But maybe I thought that was the only way to be with you, so I tried to keep an open mind, because I fucking like you.’

Frank nodded. ‘I’m sorry that I broke that trust. But I did mean it when I told you, you are the only one I want to be with.’ He patted the empty space next to him, inviting Gerard to sit with him. ‘I still mean it. This isn’t something I wanted. I did not want to kiss him, and I hated every second of it. But that doesn’t make this okay.’

Gerard reached for his hand. ‘You didn’t?’

‘No. Remember that first night I kissed you? At the party at my house?’ Gerard nodded. ‘It was a lot like that. I was just there, feeling miserable because I couldn’t be without you, so I was drinking. Then he came over – we used to have an history, but that doesn’t matter – but he thought that I was still, you know, seeing a lot of people, or I don’t know. But he just kissed me. And I swear I didn’t like it. My mind just went blank. Next thing I know he was trying to –’ He couldn’t finish the sentence. ‘That’s when I stopped him.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No, I’m sorry.’

They sat there for a while, Frank’s head resting on Gerard’s shoulder, Gerard’s arm around him. ‘I know I was stupid, but I swear I didn’t want to,’ Frank said.

‘I know.’

‘I would never want to hurt you.’

Gerard nodded and kissed his forehead. ‘I know.’

‘But I have too much shit.’ He paused, and turned to him. ‘I know it’s no excuse. But – I have codependency issues. Ever since my mom – she’s an alcoholic.’

Gerard listened. He knew there was something about his mom, but he had never really talked about it.

‘That’s why my dad sent me to live with my grandparents. He tried to help her, and tried to keep me safe. But growing up, I got to live with her, and see the bad parts. How she made me feel like I had to get him cigarettes or steal beer from my uncle’s fridge to make her happy. I put up with her shit, her yelling and even beating, because I wanted her to love me. And she kept leaving.’ He was already crying, but Gerard could see all the trauma behind his voice. Could hear little Frankie crying for his mom. ‘And I thought that was normal. So I started drinking too, and getting involved with people who treated me like shit.’

‘I’m sorry, Frankie.’

‘So it’s gonna take me some time, okay? I need to learn a lot. I need to learn to be by myself. To not depend on others. Or alcohol. I need to find my path. I don’t even know what I’m going to do now that I don’t have a job. I don’t know where I’m going.’

‘And I’ll be here,’ Gerard said locking their hands together. ‘I know you said you have to learn to be alone, I’ll still be there if you need something.’

‘Thank you.’

He cuddled in Gerard’s arms, and they stayed like that for the longest time. ‘So – where were you planning on going?’

‘I don’t know. Rehab? Visit my mom in Florida? Reno?’

Gerard laughed.

‘I’ll probably just go to my dad’s stay there for a while.’

Gerard nodded.

‘If I get better,’ Frank said. ‘Can we try it again? This boyfriend thing?’

‘Yeah, of course.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too, Frankie.’

Jamia found them just like that, and they joked about getting together, and about Jamia getting pissed at them but breaking up.

And then, Frank left so they could get back to work. ‘I’ll be at my dad’s,’ he told Gerard when he walked him to his car. ‘I’ll text you when I get there.’

‘Please.’

He leaned in for a kiss. ‘I promise I’ll get better. Just give me some time, okay?’

Gerard nodded, and Frank got in the car, driving away.

Gerard didn’t know exactly where this was going or whether he should have forgiven him, but he was happy to have Frank back in his life.


	20. Chapter 20

Frank woke up with the sun hitting his face, and a cat cuddling next to him.

It took him a minute to register his surroundings, and how he ended up there. He was in the guest room of his dad’s house, with his cat, Monster, sleeping next to him. Frank wasn’t a cat person, but he made an exception with Monster.

And he knew it was unfair to ask his dad for help, after everything he had already put up with his mom and now him. But he didn’t know who else to ask. ‘You know you don’t even have to ask,’ his dad had said when Frank showed up at his door crying the night before.

Now it was almost two in the afternoon and he was just waking up.

When he went downstairs, his dad was sitting at the table sorting files, and it reminded Frank of growing up and seeing him work. ‘Good morning, sleeping beauty,’ Frank Sr said.

Frank managed a laugh and walked to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee.

‘Feeling better?’

‘Not awake enough to know,’ Frank said.

‘I wanted to have some rest last night, and waited for you to calm down, but we need to talk.’ Frank joined his dad at the table while the coffee was ready. ‘I know you’re going through something, and I’m sorry. And you know I’ll support you. But in order for you to stay here, there has to be rules.’

‘I know. And I appreciate it.’

‘First of all, staying clean. We’ll find you help. I already called someone I know.’

‘Thank you.’ He looked down at the floor avoiding eye contact.

‘And you need to get a job.’

‘I’ll start looking for something later. I need to go buy some stuff, maybe I’ll go fill out some applications.’

‘Your aunt told me she can help you with a job at the nursing home.’ Frank wasn’t sure about it, but maybe he could take it, at least for a while. She was also a pharmacist, but worked at a nursing home. He had the degree after all. ‘We can go tomorrow and talk to her.’

Frank nodded. ‘Thank you.’

There was a long silence, and his dad put his stuff away. ‘How are things with Gerard?’

Frank shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I fucked it up. But we’re still friends.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Frank spent the rest of the day watching TV with his dad, Monster sleeping next to him. He wanted to ask if Jen, his dad’s wife was okay with him staying there, but he didn’t know how to bring it up.

By the time Jen was home, they had already made dinner. They sat at the table, and Jen tried to catch up with Frank since the last time they saw each other. Jen was still teaching, and her kids were almost out of college. She asked about his band, and Frank said he wasn’t playing anymore. ‘And you have a girlfriend already?’ she asked.

He couldn’t help laughing. ‘I’m sorry. No, I’m gay.’

‘Oh.’ Her reaction was priceless, and Frank thought it was a good way to practice coming out to more people. They weren’t the closest, but Frank thought she had figured out too, or that his dad had told her.

‘It’s okay. And I had a boyfriend, until I ruined it.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay. But that’s why I’m getting my shit together. Maybe I can get another chance.’

‘He sounds like a good guy for you to try to get better,’ his dad added.

‘He’s the best.’ Just thinking about Gerard brought a smile to his face.

The next morning, he and his dad drove to the nursing home where his aunt Jo worked at. She was waiting for them in the lobby, and greeted them. ‘How are you, honey?’ she asked Frank.

‘Getting there.’

She walked them to an office at the end of the hallway, with one of her bosses, and she told him that Frank also had a pharmacist degree and had some experience. ‘Why did you quit your job as pharmacist?’ the man asked.

‘I didn’t. The pharmacy closed down.’

‘And where were you working last?’

‘I was a bar manager. No Fun Club. I worked there for seven years.’ The man didn’t need to ask the next question for Frank to know what it was. ‘Personal problems. I needed time off, start from scratch.’

‘And how do I know you’re not going to do the same?’

‘Because I’m getting better. That’s the plan.’ He looked at both his dad and his aunt, a proud smile on their faces. ‘It’s taking me some time. But I just need you to give me a chance.’

Dr. Ferguson looked at Frank’s CV, and then closed the folder. ‘Look, I’m not going to lie. You have a promising file, especially for someone this young. And I trust Jo, so that’s enough for me. But at the moment, we don’t have openings for pharmacist positions.’

Frank nodded, understanding.

‘We do however, have openings for caregivers, and I think you would be a great fit. You’d have to help them around, provide meds, help them get to their appointments, keep them company. Is that something that interests you?’

To be fair, Frank would take a job at McDonald’s right now. And this wasn’t something he ever thought about, but he doesn’t see the problem. It feels more important than helping people get drunk, so that’s something. And he missed his grandfather too much, maybe this could help. ‘Yeah.’

‘So when can you start?’

‘As soon as possible.’

***

Two days later, Frank was filling out paperwork and getting his basic training. ‘Have you ever worked as caregiver?’ the nurse who was helping him asked.

‘Not really, but I helped my grandparents once in a while.’

‘Well, it’s a lot like that. Taking them from their rooms to the common areas or to appointments. Watch TV with them, talk to them.’

‘Okay,’ Frank said nodding.

Nurse Heidi showed him around and gave him his gray scrubs and a nametag. When he was in his uniform, another caregiver, called George, told him what to do. They took a group of the residents outside, and Frank sat with a lady who told him about her children and grandchildren. Then helped her with dinner, before the caregivers for the next shift arrived. ‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Frank,’ he said as they were clocking out. ‘I know you’ll be great at this.’

‘Thank you.’

Frank got in in his car and took off his ID. He didn’t know why but it felt like the start of better times. When he got home, he sat on his bed, with Monster by his side, and called Gerard.

‘Hey,’ Gerard said, his smile obvious through the speaker.

‘Hey.’ Frank couldn’t help smiling too. Just talking to Gee made his day.

‘How was your first day?’

‘It was good.’ He looked out the window, the sun just starting to hide in the distance, while he scratched Monster’s head. ‘I think I’m gonna like this.’ He told him everything he did, and about the old lady, and all the other residents. ‘I miss you.’

‘I miss you too.’

‘But I’m better now.’

‘I’m glad,’ Gerard said. ‘I’m really happy for you, Frankie. You deserve to be happy.’

‘You know what would make me happy? Seeing you.’

‘We can work on that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while!! I missed them!  
> Hope everyone's safe during these awful times if you live in the US <3  
> personally writing this helps me with the anxiety so I hope it brings a bit of happiness to you


	21. Chapter 21

‘You’re up already?’ Ray said when he found Gerard in the dining room.

‘Yup.’ He noticed the table was covered in sketches and wrinkled pieces of paper everywhere, while his roommate was busy with his markers.

‘What are you doing?’

‘What does it seem like I’m doing? Fucking drawing.’

Ray had to do a double take, because it had been a while since he saw his friend draw. ‘Wow! Did having a boyfriend help your creativity?’

‘What are you talking about? We’re actually taking a break, so no –’

‘What? What happened? You were perfect for each other!’ Ray almost yelled in frustration, and then sat next to him.

‘Nothing. He just needs some time.’ Gerard wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

‘So he broke up with you?’

That hurt. ‘Yeah. But it’s a long story.’

Ray didn’t say a word, knowing his friend would just let it out without him asking because that was who he was.

‘Ugh – so, he’s been going through a lot,’ Gerard started, just like Ray expected. ‘Remember when he stayed here? His grandfather had just died, and he started drinking. And we started to see each other more. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he still asked me out.’ He kept talking, moving his hands around to explain everything, and Ray listened.

‘He kissed someone else, and you forgave him just because he has issues?! Why would you do that?!’

‘Ray, you don’t understand! He didn’t want to, and he knows it was wrong!’

‘That is not the point! If he did it once, he can do it again!’

‘But that’s not –’ He realized he was starting to yell and get angry, and that wasn’t the point. He should be happy that things were working out with Frank and that he was getting better. ‘That’s what he’s doing,’ Gerard said, calmer now. ‘He’s trying to get better. He’s sober now, and he’s got a new job –’

‘Wait – you don’t work together anymore?’

Gerard shook his head.

‘And you haven’t seen him?’

‘In like two weeks.’

‘But you’re like friends now?’

‘Yeah. We call each other every day, and he sends me funny pictures. And he’s helping me with the comic book.’

‘So that’s why,’ Ray laughs, mocking his friends. ‘You’re such an idiot. But I’m glad you’re working on your book again.’ And then, he left Gerard to go take a shower.

Gerard still had no idea how he managed to find a friend like Ray, but he was grateful for it every day.

***

‘So – this guy and his company is supposed to represent the corporation,’ Gerard said over the phone. It was almost two in the morning, and Gerard had just left the bar, exhausted and pissed off with whoever puked in the restroom. And all he wanted was to go to bed, and he knew that Frank should be sleeping too, but he always waited until Gerard called and they’d talk until Frank would fall asleep.

‘And the others are the heroes?’ Frank asked, already slurring his words.

‘More like – a group of teenage rebels who are against capitalism and everything they stand for, and they just want to have some fun.’

‘That sounds interesting. But you need to give them a purpose why they’re rebelling, even if it’s pure teenage angst.’

‘Why are you so smart?’

Frank laughed. ‘I don’t know if you know this, but I almost finished college, and for a while I wanted to be a writer, too.’

‘And then what happened?’ Gerard got off his car, and walked to his building, holding his phone with his shoulder.

‘Music happened.’ Frank yawned and Gerard knew it was time to say good night.

‘Thanks for making me company,’ he said.

‘Anytime.’ Fuck, his giggle always drove him crazy. ‘I still miss you.’

‘Me too. Now we just have to wait until we have the same day off so we can see each other.’ He missed Frank like hell. His laugh. How he was always hugging him or looking for some kind of physical contact. His opinions on everything. Him singing when he thought Gerard wasn’t listening.

And just from the silence on the other side, he knew Frank was thinking too. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m better,’ Frank said. ‘I like this job. I’ve been sober for sixteen days. And Monster and I are best friends.’

‘I need to meet Monster.’

‘You do.’ There was more silence, and now Gerard knew he had finally fallen asleep. So he did the same, and changed into his sweatpants and shirt to get in bed.

He needed to call his mom and ask her to send a little gift.

***

Frank was learning fast.

He’d been working at the nursing home for barely two weeks, and they already had him in charge of his own group. Phillip, an eighty-five year old veteran with very old fashioned ideas, Margaret, an old lady who was going deaf, and Frances, who he got along well, and she wasn’t as old as the rest and didn’t need as much assistance, but her dementia was getting worse and worse.

Every morning, after recreation hour outside, they’d take the patients inside to the common room, and the caregivers would take turns to go on their breaks. Frank and George would usually go eat burritos or subs, somewhere nearby, and talk about movies or video games. ‘Frank,’ the receptionist called him when they were coming back. ‘There’s something here for you.’

And then she handed him a single red rose with a note. He didn’t need to check to know who it was from, but went as red as the rose.

‘Frankie, you have a secret admirer?’ George joked with him.

Frank shook his head, smiling. ‘Not so secret.’ And when he read the note, he confirmed what he thought. _I love you. G._

He tried not to cry or show his excitement, but it was obvious. Gerard was thinking about him too. There was hope.

He wished he could leave at that very moment and run to his apartment and kiss him and ask him to get back together, but he promised to keep his shit together, and that included not losing his job. But maybe right after work, he could stop by the bar.

He just left his roses in the employee break room, and went back to his patients.

‘Frankie,’ Frances said after they had lunch. ‘Can you do my nails?’

‘Absolutely, darling.’ She was like that aunt who encouraged his more flamboyant side, and told him about her adventures being a cabaret dancer. ‘I’m sure every went crazy for you.’

‘Oh, yeah. I had them lining up. I’m sure you do too.’

Frank laughed, setting up a water tray and a towel, as well as all the nail polish for her to choose. Frances went for classic. Red. ‘Not anymore,’ Frank said. ‘Just one man.’ He couldn’t hide his smile, and he wanted to tell her everything, but he wasn’t sure how professional that was.

‘He makes you happy, I see,’ she said.

‘He does. And I’m gonna ask him out again.’

‘Again?’

‘Yeah. We were taking a break. But now things are better, and he just sent me flowers this morning.’

‘You’re gonna have to introduce him to Auntie Frances.’

Frank nodded, and his stomach hurt a little. He was getting too attached to her, and he knew she’d soon forget about him.

The rest of his shift went on as normal, though his good mood made things go quicker. He was watching a movie with Philip and other residents, when the afternoon shift caregivers were arriving, and George came in the room calling him. ‘Frankie, there’s someone here to see you.’

Frank got up, confused, and gave the person taking over his charts, before following George to the lobby.

And Gerard was there, with a bouquet of red roses, just like the one he had sent him. ‘Hi,’ he said, nervous.

‘Hi,’ Frank replied, confused but also excited. ‘How did you know where I work?’

‘I asked your dad.’

Frank covered his face with both hands, not sure how to react. No one had ever done this for him. ‘This is for me?’

‘No, actually my uncle lives here, and I came to visit. Of course it’s for you, idiot.’

Frank’s face was red as a tomato, and he was smiling big. ‘Oh yeah?’ He walked closer and wrapped his arms around him.

‘Yes.’ And then Gerard pressed his lips against his. ‘And I wanted to ask if – you wanted to be my boyfriend again?’ Frank just smiled, hiding his face in the nook of his shoulder. ‘You can say no, and I’ll understand. I know you needed time, and –’

But Frank didn’t let him finish. He was kissing him again, this time pulling his hair and slipping his tongue in a little. They could hear an audience bigger than the one they had a moment ago, all of them cheering. ‘I love you. And yes, I’d love to be your boyfriend.’

Gerard laughed, nervous. ‘So – should we go out on a date?’

‘Let’s go.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys!   
> They’re back together, yayyyy!!! Let me know what you thought! 
> 
> And thank you for reading, and especially to those who leave comments, you have no idea how you make my day!


	22. Chapter 22

Gerard didn’t know why he was so nervous to go on a date with Frank when they had dated before.

But somehow, it seemed different. Probably because of how they started, in the middle of Frank’s life sinking down and Gerard being there for the fall, and now it felt like actual dating. The younger man even insisted that they stopped at his dad’s house so he could change out of his uniform and look presentable.

Now Gerard was sitting in his car, trying to calm his nerves down. He knew Frank was better now, and he didn’t need Gerard to fix him anymore, though he’d still do anything for him.

He was scrolling down his phone notifications – mainly texts from Ray, telling him to man up and that he had the apartment for himself if he needed it –, when the passenger door opened, and Frank got in, all showered, shaved and wearing a black button up shirt with short sleeves that showed his tattooed arms. ‘Wow,’ was all Gerard could say, not that he hadn’t noticed how attractive he was before because he knew he was so out of his league, but he looked especially good today.

‘What?’ Frank replied shyly.

‘You know what. You’re hot.’

‘Look who’s talking.’

‘Oh, shut up.’

‘Make me.’ Both men just looked at each other, smiling at each other and holding hands.

‘I’m happy to see you’re getting better,’ Gerard added while his thumb caressed the back of Frank’s hand.

‘I’m trying. But I’m actually happy. For once.’

‘That makes me happy.’

Frank leaned in for a soft kiss, and then said, ‘Well – we better go. I’m hungry.’

Gerard drove them to a fancy restaurant downtown, the kind where they give you three different kinds of spoons and two forks. And Frank was surprised to find out their entire menu was vegan. ‘Wow! You went all out!’ he mentioned as the server offered them drinks – they even had non-alcoholic wines.

‘I didn’t know what to do for our first date.’

‘I mean, technically our first date was fries at the park and going to the arcade. But I appreciate this a lot.’

‘It’s the least that you deserve.’

They talked about work, Gerard updating him on everything that had happened at the bar since he quit. Who had quit, and all the drama between the kitchen people. And Frank told him about Frances and the fact that they bonded over their names, and he liked to do her nails. ‘To be honest,’ he said. ‘This isn’t something I see myself doing all my life, but for now, I’m okay with where I am.’

‘I’m happy for you.’

‘Me too.’ He reached for Gerard’s hand, and looked at him. ‘Now, please tell me you’ve been working on your comic book.’

‘Actually – I think I finished what could be the first issue.’

‘That’s great! Maybe I was in your way.’

‘No! Don’t say that! I should had finished it a long time ago.’

After dinner, they walked around the neighborhood, holding hands and talking. Some of the shops were starting to close, but when they walked past a tattoo shop that was surprisingly still open, Frank pulled Gerard inside. ‘You’re crazy if you think I’m going to get one,’ he said.

‘No, I’m getting it. Just to remember this day, you know.’

Frank knew he sounded crazy, and he hadn’t told him his idea yet. He asked the guy behind the counter how much it’d be for a random design, and he chose one with vampire teeth because it reminded him of Gerard.

‘You want to come sit with me?’ Frank asked, knowing what he’d answer be.

‘I’m fine, I’ll wait for you.’

So he went to the back room with the tattoo artist and he got ready. He was halfway through it, when Frank turned to him. ‘So – can you do another one? I’ll pay you for it, I just didn’t want him to know.’ The guy nodded and Frank continued. ‘Right over my chest. Just _Gerard._ ’

‘Is Gerard your guy?’

Frank nodded, not sure if he was judging him.

‘You know it’s considered back luck, and just the worst idea to get a tattoo of your significant other’s name?’

‘I know. But I don’t believe in that shit. I’ve had enough bad luck already. And he’s my good luck charm.’

‘How long have you been together?’

‘Well – it’s complicated. We dated for a couple weeks but things happened. And we just got back together today.’

‘Wow, dude! That’s the worst idea!’

‘Just do it, okay? I’ll pay you double and one day I’ll come back and invite you to our wedding.’

‘You’re that sure, huh?’

‘Yes,’ Frank said, and he hoped he could prove everyone right.

‘Fine.’

***

‘Thank you for tonight,’ Frank whispered once they got back in the car. 

‘Thank you for saying yes. For a moment I was scared you’d say you weren’t ready and I had to cancel the reservation.’

‘What? No!’ He giggled, blushing. ‘I was surprised you showed up, to be honest. I thought I didn’t have a chance with you anymore.’

There was an awkward silence, but Gerard didn’t want to start the car because that would mean he had to take Frank home and they had to say goodbye.

Then, Frank said, ‘I wish I didn’t live with my dad and my step-mom cause I would take you home with me to watch a movie and cuddle, just like the old days.’

‘Well – I do happen to have an empty apartment.’

‘Did you throw Ray away?’

‘What? No, he’s staying with his girlfriend.’

‘Oh.’

‘So – you want to go to my place?’

Frank just laughed, nervous. ‘Let’s go.’

They stopped at the grocery store to get snacks, and when they made it to Gerard’s apartment, he started going through his collection to find a movie to watch, while Frank made the popcorn. He was still getting used to this version of Frank, not drunk or crying all the time, and he was enjoying all the jokes, and him being a little handsy. And Gerard didn’t know how to bring it out, but he was hoping something would finally happen.

Though it was their first date, so he assumed they’d just make out and cuddle, falling asleep in each other’s arms, which was amazing, but he just wanted to –

Maybe now that they were back together, it would happen eventually.

‘What are you thinking?’ Frank asked, interrupting his train of thought.

‘Nothing.’

‘You think I don’t know when something’s going on in that genius mind?’

‘Shut it –,’ Gerard stopped him, blushing. ‘I’m just happy that we’re together again.’

‘Me too.’ And then, Frank got closer and kissed him, pushing him against the counter, and holding him by the sides of his stomach. Gerard could feel his strong hands, while his tongue played inside his mouth. He let his own hands run up Frank’s back, pulling him closer as they gasped in each other’s mouth.

Finally.

They were finally together, and their entire bodies were shaking with excitement.

Gerard wanted so much more, but at the same time, he didn’t want to move from where they were. He wanted to stay there, in his arms, in the kitchen, kissing him.

He could feel the other man’s hard on through his tight jeans and that was turning him on. Which was strange. And he was getting hard himself. ‘Fuck,’ he whispered.

Frank stopped, confused. ‘What?’

‘Nothing. I just – let’s go to my room.’

Frank didn’t say a word and just smiled nervously, knowing what that meant.

They walked to the bedroom, not letting go of each other, and almost tripped twice on the way. Once with a chair and the other time, with one of Gerard’s shoes, but that only added giggles to the whole situation, and now they were even more nervous, and excited.

Gerard started unbuckling Frank’s belt with one hand and untucking his shirt with the other. Frank looked so good in it and it was a shame he had to take it off, but he was sure he’d look better without it. Then the unbuttoning happened, with awkward fingers and between pants and kisses. And then he saw it, right above his chest, above the huge tattoo of a bomb stuck on a spiderweb, still fresh and covered with a plastic bandaid. His name tattooed on his skin. _Gerard._

‘You got it today?’ he asked in a shaky voice. Frank could barely nod. ‘But why?’

‘You changed my life. You turned it upside down and made me a new person. Made me want to get better and have feelings. And because I believe in this. I love you that much.’

And then, they were kissing again, and Gerard was sneaking a hand in his pants, and reaching for his cock. It felt weird at first, never having touch another one besides his own, and then he started stroking it slowly, not really sure how it worked on someone else or what was the correct way. but he kept trying until he heard Frank moaning, and repeated everything that he seemed to like, while licking on the soft part of his neck.

‘Gee –,’ Frank moaned, and he had to try really hard to hold it in. Despite his inexperienced strokes and shaky hands, the fact that it was Gerard doing it, breathing on top of him turned him on in ways nobody else did before. Everyone who said it felt different when you were in love were right after all, Frank thought.

When he least expected, he felt Gerard kissing the inside of his thighs, breathing too close to his erection, so he opened his eyes and found him between his legs, looking at his dick. ‘How do you do it?’ the older man asked.

‘You don’t have to.’

‘What if I want to learn?’

‘Well – there’s not really an instruction guide. You just –’ But Gerard still looked confused. ‘Can I show you?’

He was still nodding when they switched places, and Frank got on top of him, helping him with his shirt while they kissed, and then undoing his jeans. He licked all the way down to his navel and got on his knees, before looking up at Gerard with a smile.

‘Fuck – you’re so good,’ Gerard said between moans, but Frank was too into it to answer, sucking and licking on all the right places, while jerking himself off. ‘I’m coming.’

But Frank took it, just before collapsing on top of him. He was still coming down from his orgasm when he felt his boyfriend’s lips on his, making it even better. When he opened his eyes, he was there, smiling at him. ‘I love you,’ Frank whispered.

‘I love you too.’ They kept kissing and touching, giggling, until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyy! It's been almost a month since the last update, and I missed my boys! Hope you guys like it, and please let me know what you think :)


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